Wherever I Stand, I Stand With Hebrew National Hot Dogs

By Ari Kirshbaum, Detroit Tigers Hot Dog Vendor

Opening day has come and gone, and that round of 'Take Me Out To The Ball Game' sure was music to my ears. The long, bitter winter sometimes felt like it was questioning my right to exist.

But I'm finally back in a place I feel was created specifically for people like me - the ballpark. And it's high time to put on my hat, lace up my shoes, and proudly proclaim what I believe in, what I feel in the cockles of my heart.

Wherever I stand, I stand with Hebrew National Hot Dogs!

It doesn't matter if I'm in the upper deck, the gallery, or the bullpen. I don't even care if I'm in foul territory. Whatever section I'm in, wherever my feet touch the ground, that land is a part of Hebrew Nation. And no one can take that away from me.

I was the guy who led the fight to put an amendment in the Vendor Code of Conduct that says vendors have a right to defend themselves when provoked. So if the fans are verbally hostile to me, I take it all in stride. If it looks like it's gonna get physical, I've got an aerial assault of kosher hard salami that'll bring even the most belligerent fans to their knees.

Some people find my existence offensive because I'm loud and obnoxious, or because I'm always trying to sell them something. But you know what? Hot dog vendors have to make a living, too. I shout to fans about Hebrew National hot dogs because that's me being the best representative of Hebrew Nation I can be.

And if my Hebrew Nationalist rhetoric rubs you the wrong way, then maybe you're the one with the problem. Ever think of that?

Besides, you've always got the choice not to listen. It's not like the banks own this field or anything.

Things got ugly last summer, when rival hot dog vendors kidnapped some of our men for loitering after hours in the West Entrance. It's a dangerous place to begin with, they shouldn't have been there in the first place, but what can I say? Their side claimed it was fair, and we called it foul.

Nonetheless, Heinz said it couldn't do anything, and French's surrendered without firing a shot (though they clandestinely supplied our side with mustard gas).

But the Hebrew Nation is a mighty and everlasting one, and we quickly petitioned and got the support of commissioner Bud Selig (a huge fan of ours), who said they had to give the vendors up or face the consequences. A media circus ensued, and a lot of people thought the whole event struck a blow to Hebrew Nationalism. But I beg to differ. I'm still here, ain't I?

I'm still pals with a lot of the guys I met during that whole charade. Whether they're practicing or non-practicing vendors, I don't judge. Hey, some people even call my methods unorthodox, but you can't please all the people all the time, know what I mean?

In spite of all this, the product speaks for itself. A lot of people prefer Hebrew Nationals even when they don't need to eat kosher, which is just a testament to how good they taste. And it certainly doesn't hurt to be a Hebrew National hot dog vendor with some of the ladies. They just prefer a Hebrew Nationalist. Who knew?

So if you're looking for a delicious, kosher meal at the ballpark, then look for old Kirshbaum. Wherever he's standing, that's where you'll find Hebrew Nationalism of the hot dog variety. See you at the ball park, and lekhaim!