The E3W Guide To Why Carson Butler (Allegedly) Beat That Random Kid Up On St. Patrick's Day

St. Patrick's Day is a time of fond remembrances and shameful regrets. After all, everyone gets carried away in that once-a-year drunken orgy of misplaced national pride for a country that, 364 days of the year, is completely off the radar. Indeed, we've all had our guilty little indiscretions that we're none too proud of, in retrospect. Some of us pass out early and miss the parties in the evening, while others find that the girl they've been making out with at a party seemed much more attractive with green antennae.

And then there are those of us who allegedly assault a random person, are arraigned on charges, and then get kicked off the football team, thus effectively destroying our future careers. We all know how that goes. We have reviewed the Michigan Daily's story about the incident, which incidentally originally reported that Butler had pled guilty to charges of aggravated assault, when in fact he pled "not guilty." As minor a hiccup as this is in today's fact-obsessed media, The Daily, for all its salt, never got to the real question -- why the fuck did Carson Butler allegedly beat that guy up?

With that in mind, The Every Three Weekly would like to offer some reasons why Butler allegedly assaulted that kid, in the hopes that we laypeople can get a glimpse into the strenuous life of a Michigan athlete.

Somebody put pepper in the salt shaker.

In a round of Halo 2, he switched to rockets when he was too close and racked up a suicide, which actually gets you kicked off the football team anyway.

He thought it was the Hairy Mole Guy.

The moon was in the seventh house. And Jupiter had aligned with Mars.

Guilt over the unethical labor that produced his jersey.

Guilt over inability to feel guilty about the unethical labor that produced his jersey.

As a criminal justice minor, he wanted to experience the court system first-hand, and maybe get some independent study credit to boot.

He needed to beat somebody worth mentioning before the end of the year.

He needed to beat Tyler Ecker at being a total failure.

Heard Lloyd's voice repeating "Carson Butler is a good, smart, physical player," in his head until he reached the breaking point.

The kid wasn't wearing any green.

The kid was wearing a USC shirt. Honestly, people, you go to Michigan!

Drew Henson is his idea of a good post-Michigan football career.

Actually, the kid tripped over the Frieze building on his way down the stairs. He tripped, see?

He didn't appreciate the kid's pro-Quebec separatist rhetoric.

Practicing his touchdown spike with a real human head.

Thought to himself, "Why should Arrington have all the fun legal trouble?"

The kid made a disparaging remark about the movie The House Of Mirth, which Butler's dad was an intern for, and which starred Gillian Anderson, who was in The Mighty with Sharon Stone, who was in The Professional with Sylvester Stallone, who was in Rambo: First Blood with Brian Dennehy, who was in Assault On Precinct 13 with Laurence Fishburne, who was in Mystic River with Kevin Bacon. I got it!

The Daily horoscope that day told him to.

Heard "Man, what happened at that Ball State game?" one too many times.

Disappointed that kid "was not ready for some football."

He was trying to gain some street cred in order to infiltrate Jack Nicholson's Boston crime syndicate.

After hearing "HEY WERE YOU NAMED AFTER CARSON DALY," even once, you'd beat a stranger up, too.

To be fair, after the Ohio State game, everyone on the football team wanted to kick Ryan Mundy's ass.

The kid had a target painted on his face. What would you do?

It was late, they were both drunk, they went back to West Quad, one thing led to another, you know how it is.

Some humor rag named him directly in one of their gay-ass guides. :)