Detroit Project Abandoned

DETROIT - In a press statement released earlier this week, leaders of the campus service group The Detroit Project announced that, like nearly every other project undertaken in Detroit, their plans for development were being abandoned and left to decay in the city.

Group leader Jared McEvoy explained that the group's decision to abandon the project was not surprising and was, in fact, routine for projects undertaken in the Detroit metropolitan area.

"Due to a lack of funding and a steadily decreasing amount of interest in the idea, The Detroit Project has been left abandoned in downtown Detroit," McEvoy said. "This is actually one of the better possible outcomes that you can expect in Detroit. Frankly we're just happy that it didn't turn into a deadly inferno that devoured a big chunk of the city. Well, not yet at least."

While The Detroit Project has been abandoned, the civic-minded students have not abandoned their ideals, and they plan to serve mankind through other, more hopeful means.

"Detroit was just shot to hell, so we decided that it wasn't worth it to stay there. It was too dangerous and I believe our efforts could be used elsewhere, someplace that isn't too far gone, somewhere that we might actually make a difference. That's why I'm announcing the creation of a new student group, The Baghdad Project."

"Our first mass meeting will be at 8pm, this Friday in the Pond room of the Union," McEvoy added. "Please bring your own flak jackets. Remember: together, we can make a difference in a wartorn country. But seriously, bring your own flak jackets."

For those interested, The Detroit Project can be found in a state of disrepair between a vacant Faygo bottling plant and a deserted dog food factory on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard in downtown Detroit.

In late 2004, Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick announced plans to demolish the majority of the abandoned buildings in the Detroit Metropolitan area. This plan, however, was also abandoned, and stacks of explosives were left at the bases of most major deserted buildings in the city.

Current plans for The Detroit Project include the possibility of it being used as a meth lab by enterprising young drug dealers, or as a destination for local gang members to meet and store their weapons. Barring that, the project will almost certainly be used, as most buildings in Detroit are, as a makeshift hovel for vagrants to squat in while they inject heroin and fornicate with each other.