Campus Crusade For Christ Invades Near Eastern Studies Office

CAMPUS - The halls of the Frieze Building were filled with screams and the crashing of plate armor as Campus Crusade for Christ finally lived up to its name and invaded the Near Eastern Studies office Tuesday afternoon.

“Weʼve been meaning to carry this out for quite some time,” said the group's leader, Gregory, who refused to give a last name. “The real limiting factors were the prohibitive price of plate armor and the difficulty of finding people who knew little enough about history to join a group called ʻCampus Crusade for Christ. Once we got past those difficulties, our plan to reclaim the Holy Land of 2068 Frieze Building from its tyrannical, heathen leadership was set to go.”

Crusadeʼ03 thus far has been surprisingly successful, due in large part to the extreme unpreparedness of the Near Eastern Studies department for such an assault.

“We managed to hold the entry area for quite some time,” said survivor and department professor Alexander Kynsh, “but once they started bringing their digger bots and someone set off an EMP, I knew we were in trouble. Wait, I'm thinking of The Matrix: Revolutions. Neo is definitely supposed to be Christ in that movie.”

In addition to the many killed by the crusadersʼ swords, a huge wave of deaths resulted from the influx of foreign diseases.

“Yeah, we worked out this little deal with the Russian department,” said Gregory. “They gave us samples of smallpox, and in exchange, we had to promise to attack them last when we take this thing to its logical conclusion and start taking out Einstein Bros.ʼ Bagels. And the Judaic Studies department. Yeah Jesus!”

“I just don't understand,” said Film and Video Studies department chair Gaylyn Studlar. “I thought the trilogy was already over, but apparently that wasn't really the last crusade. This must be what the new Indiana Jones movie is all about. What a crock. I swear I went to watch this so-called ʻcrusade' yesterday and there was no dashing theme music and the crusaders weren't even dressed right. I think we all know that real crusaders wear leather jackets and bad-ass hats and carry whips. Where the hell was Sean Connery?”

“I'm really proud of what we've done here,” said Gregory. “I'll be graduating this spring, but I have faith that my successor Urban will keep the tradition of slaying defenseless people in the name of Christ alive.”

In response to the news, the French department promptly surrendered.