Congressman Proposes Ban On Same Sex Divorces

Senator Hopes To Protect Nation from "Crazy Opposite Day" Loophole

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) recently proposed an amendment to the Constitution that would ban same-sex divorces. This proposal is a follow up to the senatorʼs earlier endorsement of an amendment that would define marriage as a union between a man and a woman.

“What I have proposed today is a crucial addition to the Marriage Amendment,” said Sen. Frist. “Just like marriage, divorce is a sacred institution that should be reserved for heterosexual couples only.”

There has been a growing debate in the country about gay marriage, but rarely has gay divorce even been mentioned.

“This bill needed to be introduced to Congress in order to bring attention to the subject,” said Congresswoman Marilyn Musgrave (R-CO). “If we donʼt do something about this, gays all over the country will go nuts divorcing each other, undermining the act's sanctity.”

Barney Frank (D-MA) has led the criticism of the proposal.

“Gays and lesbians have just as much of a right to divorce as straight people,” he has said. Congressman Frank is the only openly gay member of Congress, while Sen. Frist and Congresswoman Musgrave comprise some of the several closet cases.

President Bush has recently voiced his support.

“We need to set an example for new democracies,” he said. “In some Middle Eastern countries, being a homosexual
is a crime punishable by death. We need to show those countries that it is more democratic to just treat gays as second-class citizens rather than to kill them outright.”

The Reverend Jerry Falwell is also a supporter of the proposed amendment. In addition, he is also a huge douche bag.

“Divorce is a sin, and itʼs an even greater sin if perpetrated by homosexuals,” said the Reverend. “God intended divorce to be between a man and a woman, and no one else. God will punish this country if this amendment doesnʼt get passed, and when thereʼs a terrorist attack Iʼm going to be the first to say I told you so.”

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has also weighed in on the subject. “We must move away from the homosexual agenda. Homosexuals are taking over too many of our American institutions. Marriage, the clergy, fitness centers; what's next, Broadway? Frankly, what I am trying to say is, why wonʼt Queer Eye accept my request to be made over?”

Republicans believe the public is on their side. “If the American people hate gays as much as I do, I think they'll want to see this amendment passed,” said Senator Jeff Sessions (R-AL).

But what do average Americans think about the proposed amendment? Roy Chalke of Baltimore commented, “Why do gay people need to get divorced, anyway? It's not like they can have children to drive them out of their minds until divorce becomes the only way of preserving their sanity.”

Others, like Josh York of Detroit, favored both gay marriage and divorce. “I hope to see the day when two men can get married and divorced in under a month,” he said. “You see, I need health insurance, so itʼd be cool if I could marry my friend Larry so I could be on his insurance, and then get divorced after it gets too weird or I meet a chick with nice ta-tas.”

Though the proposed amendment's inception has shown promise, Washington insiders expect Vice President Dick Cheney to summon his Darth Vader-like powers to convince the Republicans to turn their backs on the issue.