Senior Refuses To Make Peace With Freshman Year Roommate
The latest round of negotiations soured after Shoreman repeatedly denied allegations that he had, in fact, stolen those ice trays four years ago.
The incident has already been dubbed “a grave setback for mending the broken fence of casual acquaintance relationships everywhere,” and has pushed the two embittered roommates further apart than ever before.
“It’s over,” Crowfarm allegedly said. “We’ve come so far, but Dwight and I both know those ice trays didn’t just disappear.”
Shoreman, who is largely credited with Crowfarm’s total loss of faith in humanity, is described by many as a “human wasteland,” and “a person who, you can look into his eyes, and you can stare into the abyss of creation.”
The attempt at reconciliation began back in October, when one of Crowfarm’s friends discovered that Shoreman is, in fact, still enrolled at the University of Michigan, and plans to graduate with an undisclosed major sometime around the turn of the decade. “I just assumed he had died,” Crowfarm said at the time, “In one of those elaborate deaths involving an axe and a bunch of limbs rolling down a hill, or a can of RAID and a guy with no fucking face any more. I guess if there were a God, then knowing how big of an asshole Dwight was, He would have dispatched Dwight by now.”
Shoreman’s upstate New York pomposity and inability to compromise on even the most rudimentary points made negotiations brief and tense.
“Detroit is so poor. And gay. My dad owns Sesame Street - what does your dad do again? I can’t see how you couldn’t have voted for Kerry. The Yankees are gonna win it this year,” Shoreman said in his opening remarks. “I pounded like six shots of 151 before I even got here. Is Michigan even that good a school? You are pussies.”
Shoreman, who plans to graduate when his parents cut him off, says he enjoys being from New York and spending most of his days scratching his testicles and watching a video from high school spring break.
Since last year, Crowfarm has debated with other friends about whether or not they should keep bringing this douchebag up in conversation.
“We could be talking about so many more important things,” Crowfarm admitted. “Like about the time Dwight got on my case because I asked him to buy the toilet paper for once.”
Mutual acquaintances of the two roommates said they felt obligated to get the two talking again.
“It’s so petty that they’ve allowed these small incidents to keep them apart for the last three years,” said mutual acquaintance Jenny Lane. “They still have so much in common - Mack still loves South Park, and Dwight is still just a skinny, chronic masturbator.”
Lane went so far as to leave a hopelessly naive message on Crowfarm’s Facebook wall that read, “Dwight says he’s sorry. I got his digits if you want ‘em :)!”
Tensions have remained high over the last four years, during which time each has professed a desire to meet the other one night in a darkened alley and “wipe that smirk off his face.”
“There comes a time freshman year when your roommate is dead drunk on the floor,” Crowfarm said. “I’m not saying if I could go back I would have held a pillow over his face, but I might have turned him on his back with a sock in his mouth.”
“I wonder how much diversity these diseased travesties really bring to campus,” Crowfarm mused. “Would we really miss anyone from New York?”
In response to the precedent Shoreman and Crowfarm have set, Resident Advisors have stepped up the number of LOST viewing parties and poker and pizza nights to ease tensions around residence halls.
“If freshmen get it in their minds that they’ll hate their roommates by the end of the year, we’ll have a goddamn riot on our hands,” said RA Peter Freeman. “Imagine if everyone with a douchy roommate from New York were to request new rooms? It’d be anarchy.”
No one from New York thought it prudent to show up to the LOST viewing parties or pizza nights, prompting everyone to respond, “Fucking New Yorkers.”
In a related story, a set of ice trays bearing the initials M.C. was discovered in Shoreman’s freezer. “Yes, it was I that stole the ice trays,” read a nearby note authored by Shoreman.
Shoreman was found slain later that day in an unrelated incident, meaning I know it was you, Dwight.