Portal To Hell Reopens On Diag
The portal, which facilitates transportation between This World and The Underworld for all living sodomites, heathens, flyerers, God-deniers, Hindoos, fetusaborters, birthcontrollers, faggots, feminists, Jews, twinks, liberals, Moslems, and all other non-Christians, operates only during the summer months, making it more difficult for the Hellbound to cavort with the Devil and his Unholy Minions.
“I missed telling the other people in Hell about the gay sex I was having back on earth,” reported one fag, itching his burning phallus and pulsing testicles with a pair of gnarled claws. “I’m glad I can check in on how Hitler is doing whenever I want to.”
The unsealing of the portal was occasion for a raucous blood orgy that left hundreds of innocent bystanders dead, wounded, or wishing they had gone to Ohio State.
“I haven’t been fucked that hard since I shared my freshman dorm with Braylon Edwards,” replied one recent convert, which prompted everyone to glaze over and respond dreamily, “Ah, remember Braylon Edwards?”
The portal has spewed forth wave after wave of unholy filth, including a roving gang of rape-loving, goth-listening malefactors known as “Cherry’s Jubilee”, who have reclaimed their defecate-strewn camp at the corner of State and North University after having vacationed for the colder months in Eternal Grime And Damnation.
“Jokes?” they cried, grinning inanely and grinding perversely on each other while engaging in endless drug abuse. “Got any jokes?” they repeated, their worn, mangy faces creased with dung.
Their bawdy, smoke-and-meth-tarnished laughter, carried out at the normative behavior of Ann Arbor’s streetwalkers, could reportedly be heard from the roof of Wazoo Records all the way down to Satan’s throne, around which prance thousands of stemcell researchers, NPR listeners, Michigan Theatregoers, and people who wear shirts for other universities.
Authorities were helpless against the bevy of chicanerous contamination.
“Every spring, this happens - the portal opens, a bunch of devils leap out, and the kids start to wear farraginous flip-flops and throw dastardly discs of destruction,” said Ann Arbor Police Chief Lambo Field. “It’s because of the city council that we can’t do anything about it - otherwise we’d start in with the tear gas and the concussion grenades and then follow that up with the spiked batons like how they do it over in East Lansing.”
Administrators were thrilled that the graduation ceremony scheduled to commence on the Diag on April 26th can now be held alongside the swirling mire of feculence.
“We didn’t know whether reconstruction of the puddle of pernicious putrescence would be complete by commencement, but in this instance, we lucked out,” Provost Teresa Sullivan said. “Now we can hand these kids their diplomas and introduce them to their Anti-God, the Caesar of Smut and Sleaze, our Archfiendpater, President Lucifer.”
Last to emerge from the portal’s loathsome line of rotten refuse were members of the Gargoyle, the University’s official humor magazine, who appeared in tattered rags, their breath sodden with grain alcohol, bearing 10,000 copies of the summer issue, which features a drawing of John McCain defecating on an Irish flag and an interview with Mary Sue Coleman’s butt.
“God, we suck,” Mina Purefoy, the editor of the Gargoyle, moaned.
Purefoy was found slain later that day in an unrelated incident