Boring Guy Dies
Chuck, probably short for Charles, was largely ignored in his community, and will be remembered for occasionally watering the driveway in sandals, taking his homely dog for a walk in the morning, or having his TV on from about 6 PM to 11 PM every night.
“He always watched TV,” neighbors replied to questions about Chuck, whose last name might as well be Boring. “Except when it was turned off. Then maybe he was listening to the radio or sleeping.”
Chuck Boring is survived by his two dull children, Jeff and Ursula Boring, who spoke at the tedious funeral service held in his honor.
“My father had an average-to-poor sense of humor, and I remember few stories about when that average-to-poor sense of humor really came out,” Jeff Boring said. “For example, we purchased a ‘World’s Boringest Dad’ T-shirt from Niagara Falls that he wore to bed every night until his timely death. That was Dad at his boringest.”
“I believe he also occasionally had terrible sex with our mother,” Ursula Boring added.
Chuck Boring was recently divorced from the woman in question, who asked to remain anonymous for this article.
“I don’t want people to know I was married to that lifeless piece of shit,” the anonymous woman said.
No records exist of Chuck actually working throughout his unremarkable life, and few remember the contributions he made to society.
“The gentleman in question is currently under suspicion for a long history of tax evasion - potentially up to or over 30 years worth,” Frank Pepper, an agent with the Internal Revenue Service, reported. “There are no records of him filing a return from that address.”
In accordance with IRS statues, all of Chuck’s belongings have been preemptively seized, although the boring guy’s family is confident that their father is innocent, saying, “He was far too boring to be committing tax evasion.”
The discovery of Chuck’s spindly, uninspiring corpse occurred after neighbors noticed that the boring guy’s TV had been on for an entire night without a channel change.
“He had either watched Oceans Eleven on TBS six or seven times in a row, or he had died,” Garry Tremaine, Chuck’s neighbor, said. “We knew he was boring, but not that boring.”
“Usually he at least mixes it up with some Friends episodes.”
Autopsies show that Chuck was neither old, nor young, but was at exactly the most boring age a person could choose to die: 58 years old.
“Not yet old enough to receive Social Security,” daughter Ursula lamented. “That was just like Dad.”
Dr. Michael Ferro, who performed the autopsy, said the body showed no remarkable signs of anything.
“I’ve never dozed off during an autopsy before,” Dr. Ferro said. “This boring guy sucked.”
Dr. Ferro was found slain later that day in an unrelated incident.