America Adopts The Euro

BANKS - America officially became the 28th member of the European Union yesterday, joining the growing coalition of European countries after pressure from the Treasury Department over the waning power of the dollar.

The move will serve as an end to 230 years of occasional lobbying and waffling with the estranged continent interspersed with short periods of kicking their individual asses.

In a press conference, President Bush assured Americans that the move was entirely cosmetic, and that the benefits of using the Euro as currency would far outweigh the political consequences of subservience to the European coalition.

“Normally, entering into the ‘Eurozone’ means that the U.S. is subject to all binding resolutions and would forfeit the right to represent itself in the international arena,” said Bush. “But come on - these people are Europeans. They might as well be run by John Edwards for all the balls they have.”

“Plus, they even let us keep our sweet name!”

The President then confessed he was in a hurry to pick up a pair of native Italian snakeskins for €15 that Laura said took twenty years off him.

“Just know I would never allow America to be sold out to a foreign country,” concluded Bush, who then left the podium trailing several “IOU One American Security” receipts made out to H. Jintao.

Americans were elated at the news, many of whom planned trips to Europe they didn’t think they could afford before the United States sold out.

“I can finally go back to Paris and get that whore who gave me molloscum contagiosum,” confessed local welder Barry Pottersdam. “Thanks, America!”

America was found slain later that day in an unrelated incident.