Sophomore Reads One Gandhi Autobiography, Now Thinks He Can Just Quote Gandhi All The Time
Formerly a callous, overweight, insensitive yet lovable asshole, Holloway has “lost his edge” since reading up on the life of the political and spiritual leader of India, adopting a new lifestyle of vegetarianism, relentless truth-telling, and abstention from alcohol and sex.
“Sterling was always such a great guy to be around - scoffing at the handicapped, not holding doors for people, buying useless things for himself - until My Experiments With Truth came along,” said friend Albert Finnegan. “Now I can’t say one thing about cheating on my girlfriend without him softly accusing me of being in a ‘sleep of lust’. What the fuck is a sleep of lust?”
Holloway’s personal transformation continued when he peacefully, non-violently demonstrated against going to Rick’s last Tuesday night.
“We fucking always go to Rick’s Tuesday nights. It’s our one night to get drunk and have sex with random people,” said Sherli Cohn, a U-M Junior. “Why can’t Sterling get that through his little Muslim head?”
Holloway’s demonstration moved Natalie Bruno, a friend from work, who has considered borrowing the Gandhi autobiography and reading it herself.
“Sterling has such a deep, profound soul, and I’m intrigued at this transformation, even though he is kind of ugly and has that absurd tire of fat that hangs over his belt,” said Bruno.
“I hope I can one day achieve the satisfaction he’s discovered in himself. Unless I get this internship at Goldman Sachs. Then it’s off to Jew York, baby!”