Fencing Team Discovers Gunpowder

ANN ARBOR – Sources close to the university fencing team announced earlier this week that the team has discovered a black, chalky substance that, when lit, produces an explosive charge of sudden, intense heat and energy.

The substance, brought to the university's new Life Sciences Center, was analyzed, tested, and given a strange name by the fencers: "gunpowder."

"This discovery could be very, very important for what we believe in," claimed Harold Yates, president of the club, who said that, if used adeptly, the substance could cause an explosive to move at very quick speed.

"This stuff could propel a sword very fast," said Yates with excitement.

Though Yates opposes any change to the fencing team's use of swords, their discovery of the powder is expected to revolutionize the manner in which fencing matches are conducted.

Many fans of fencing believe that the team will use gunpowder to propel projectiles towards their opponents. Those familiar with the sport believe that using these gunpowder-fueled sword-throwers, abbreviated as “guns," will represent a leap forward from the current method of gaily prancing to and fro without actually inflicting any harm.

In a match held with fencers from Bowling Green University late Tuesday afternoon, University of Michigan fencers handily defeated their opponents after exploding their swords from lengthy tubes, called "cannons," and quickly defeating their visiting fencers, who have not yet mastered the technology behind gunpowder. The match resulted in seven deaths among the Bowling Green team.

The science behind sword-explodery has already begun to experiment with projectiles smaller than swords. These pellets, called "bullets," could be used in great quantity to inflict harm on the masses.

"Just think," ruminated Yates. "If we could explode a tiny pellet out of a little tube, what's to stop us from splitting the atom and unleashing an era of global nuclear holocaust?"

In a related story, the Cross Country team has discovered automobiles, a century-old technology that simplifies the task of traversing long distances. The cross country team, which had previously been traversing long distances on foot, believes their discovery of automobiles will make upcoming competitions “quick, painless, and bunion-free."