Nancy Pelosi Facing Problems Fitting Into Leadership Role, Hastert's Ass-Groove
Washington, AP – Nancy Pelosi’s impending ascension to the role of Speaker of the House has already been met with extreme discomfort.“There is definitely something lingering in the air since the election," said Pelosi, who said that though initially she attributed the discomfort to simple jtters from becoming a major political player, she later discovered it was the stench of soon to be ex-Speaker Dennis Hastert.
"This guy burns sugar like a furnace," said Pelosi, who added that Hastert is leaving an ass-groove "from here to Tuscaloosa."
Republicans were quick to voice their dissent for the incoming Democratic majority, claiming that Pelosi’s leadership skills will be ineffective at best.
“The unresolved issues such as the war with Iraq and the floundering economy will not be solved with this new leadership,” said Senator Bill Frist. “If anything, the conflicts will intensify and worsen. We will not compromise on our stance on any issue.”
In addition to the unwillingness of the Republicans to cooperate, Pelosi anticpates some trouble with her new seat, namely, Dennis Hastert’s massive ass-groove.
“Hastert might as well have dug a ditch in this thing,” Pelosi said. “It’s unbelievable. I feel like if I sit down I’ll never emerge from those cheek-marks.”
Hastert, a four-time winner of Burger King’s “Whopper Challenge,” has reportedly left an ass-groove in the Speaker’s seat that would “put Dom DeLuise to shame.” Hastert has occupied the seat for six years. Before his appointment as Speaker of the House, Hastert weighed 238 lbs, but was required to gain an additional 72 lbs to bring him to the required weight of a Republican House Speaker.
“Hastert spent most of his free time feasting on everything from foot-long schnitzels to third-world poverty,” said a House spokesperson. “He could even swallow air like a seal, which would balloon his waist from 42 inches to 51 inches in a matter of seconds. It was unreal. There was no telling how big his ass-groove could get.”
Apparently, the ass-groove runs to deep that Pelosi is unable to see the top of her desk, making it extremely difficult to read congressional bills." The ass-groove, dubbed “The Republican’s Majority” has already stunted Pelosi’s intentions for the Democratic Party.