NBA Players Upset with Commissioner David Stern’s Balls

Players complain of decreased performance, slippery grip

Some of the NBA’s top players have been complaining all month ever since NBA commissioner David Stern introduced his new synthetic balls, replacing his older leather ones. The new balls are designed to provide a better grip and feel throughout the course of the game, but many players feel otherwise. “When the balls get wet, they’re just too slippery,” complained a distraught LeBron James, who has consequently conveyed a decreased pleasure in his job since Stern’s surprise move.

In addition to having a different grip, players also complain of the balls’ unpredictable and erratic bouncing behaviors. “Stern claims the new balls have no break-in period, but they just seem to be too hard. They don’t bounce as high, and they frequently miss their target,” said Dwayne Wade. “I mean, I never had a problem sticking it in the hole before, but now I just feel like I’m poking blindly in the dark.”

Prior to this season’s change, Stern had not replaced his balls in over 30 years. Their old, leathery feel, as well as their constant wear and tear, was one of the main reasons for switch. “These balls are designed to enhance performance. I have realized how important this is, as I become older.” Stern stated. “The players who complain about the bouncing don’t realize that the type of bounce you get depends on the surface you are on, and I’m just saying, you can bounce on other things than a basketball court,” added Stern, with an awkward side-grin.

Still, the heated debate continues to escalate in tension as players look for new ways to approach the issue. Some suggest tackling from behind while others feel they should just turn the other cheek.