Saddam Hussein Sentenced to “Farce of an Execution”
Event to be called “A Night of Farsi-Kal Hilarity!”
“A farce of a court should deliver farcical executions,” determined Geneva Council judge Ahmad Kirsaab. “We decided, after convicting him, to kill him in the most hilarious way we, the unfunniest people on earth, could conceive of.”
“I don’t know what we were thinking,” added Kirsaab of the time before they got the idea for farcical executions. “This is not going to end dreadfully, with a hanging, but with tears of laughter and joy.”
Hussein was first shocked at the reading of the death sentence when, again calling the trial a “kangaroo court” and a “farce,” he found out the hard way that “farce” was that day’s Secret Word.
“I got slimed,” admitted Hussein humbly, who, immediately following the declaration, was covered in toxic green waste. “I just hope they got my reaction on camera!”
The secret word has been a staple of the World Court after its development stage in the children’s show Pee-Wee’s Funhouse. The show was and is an inspiration for the World Court, which deals in crimes against humanity, but is slowly turning their attention to more wacky, funtastic solutions.
“We all agreed that Saddam acted like a complete ass throughout the trial,” read an official statement from the Geneva Council released yesterday. “We were deliberately pissing him off, prodding him with allegation after allegation until he finally snapped and said the secret word.”
Once the word is said, various alarms and buzzers go off, and the grey tables and flags that adorn the World Court are reversed, revealing an obstacle course to the defendant, as well as a live studio audience. Preliminary methods of hilarity involve extensive testicle injury and pies-to-the-face.
“We’ve rented out the horn and trumpet players from the London Symphony Orchestra, which will be ready with ‘Wah-wah-waaaaah’s’ when Saddam is poked in the eye or hit in the groin.”
Marc Summers, the fastidious former host of TV’s Double Dare, has been tapped to host the event, which is constructed as an obstacle-course of possible modes of execution- a gradual consumption of, ironically, small samples of biological and chemical weapons of mass destruction. Even more ironically, the weapons had to be imported from North Korea, a country that actually has weapons of mass destruction.
Even more ironically, the slime is dispensed from a giant foam rubber nose, which is an inch-by-inch replica of the nose of former Israeli prime minister Ariel Sharon.
The irony of the trial’s components is so lethal that it has already claimed the lives of ten U.S. soldiers and forty civilians in Baghdad.
On completion of the obstacle course, the Sony Walkman, Skip-It, Moon-Shoes, and a trip for four to Miami Florida, will all be sent to the surviving members of his family.
Dr. Ann Sullivan, professor of international law at Yale University, has openly criticized the new suggestions for Hussein’s execution. “There is something inherently wrong about making a spectacle of a man’s execution,” Sullivan complains. “And you’re going to sit there and tell me that we couldn’t get anybody better than Marc Summers? I would’ve washed my hands of him, but he washed them for me.”
Added Sullivan, “He’s over, he’s spent.”
The trial committee is, for now, being extremely secretive about its plans, personnel, and ticket prices. While tickets are expected to be extremely pricy, the event will be broadcast on major American networks during prime time. The committee maintains that it is absolutely focused on making “Saddam’s execution the most exciting show on TV this winter.” Ratings are expected to top both Timothy McVeigh’s execution and the fall season of Laguna Beach, which plans to begin broadcasting executions in order to compete with this fall’s “Husseinity.”