That’s the last time I hire a cut-rate Guatemalan campaign manager

By Conrad Burns, former Senator (R-Mont.)

There’s a lot of talk from both sides of the aisle about what’s to be done with this whole immigration problem we seem to have in America. Now, I’m not completely sure what we should do with all these immigrants that keep streaming across our borders, but I know one thing that I won’t be doing with them anymore: hiring them to manage my Senatorial Campaign in the state of Montana.

I found Efrain Bolanos waiting outside of a Home Depot in Billings, looking for work, with about eight of his Guatemalan “amigos.” I chose Efrain because of the shiny red hat he was wearing. And also, because he was the only Guatemalan that didn’t appear to be affiliated with the Latin Kings crime syndicate, who wear shiny green hats, I’m told.

In the end, though, it turned out that Efrain was a Latin King. I found out in an awkward incident in which he stabbed a Republican donor to death during a 700 dollar-a-plate dinner. Turns out I’m colorblind!

Bless his little heart, he tried, but many of the planks Efrain advised me to include in my platform just didn’t resonate with the voters. The people of Montana don’t want to hear promises from their senator about building a shrine to Santa Maria de Mazatenango in the state capitol.

People have made a lot of fuss about the work ethic of immigrants, about how lazy they are and how they’re always sleeping on the job. Let me tell you, Efrain wasn’t trying very hard at all to get rid of the stereotype of the lazy immigrant. Imagine my embarrassment when, halfway through a debate with my opponent, John Tester, I discovered Efrain sleeping under the podium, snoring loudly!

It is true, however, what they say about immigrants being willing to take jobs that no Americans would be willing to do. I searched high and low for a campaign manager, but no native-born American was willing to do it for what I was paying. It’s a sad day for the American worker when no one but a Guatemalan immigrant is willing to manage an incumbent senator’s campaign for the very fair salary of twenty dollars and a hearty bean dinner.

I will say one thing though; Efrain did a bang up job of re-shingling the roof of the campaign headquarters. I sent him up there on Tuesday morning and he didn’t come down until the job was done on Thursday afternoon. Unless you count the four or five times he fell off.

Well, I guess that the times are just a-changin’. I remember the days when you could hire an immigrant to do any vile, torturous job that no other American would ever do, and he would do that job well. My father used to hire Chinese immigrants to work as crash test dummies in his automobile plant. My Grandfather, back in the early nineteen hundreds, hired scores of Irish immigrants to work in his paint factory, drinking gallon after gallon of paint to make sure it was toxic enough. They just don’t make immigrants like they used to. Or they just don’t import ‘em like they used to.