General Motors to replace hundreds of white-collar jobs with poor-decision-making robots
Poor-decision-making robots immediately advise the creation of poorer-decision-making robots
"For the employees that will maintain their jobs here at GM, I can assure you – the robots will not differ from the company’s policy of creating hundreds of relatively affordable cars that nobody wants to buy," Sass remarked in a press conference yesterday. "Because the robots will not demand the multi-million dollar salaries due to many of our board members, they will be able to make the same outstandingly poor decisions, but at a lower cost to the company."
The robots will be built in California, made with state-of-the art intelligence and morality chips from Intel, with sleek titanium bodies. Once constructed, the robots will have their morality chips removed, their titanium casing replaced with a pink gelatinous coating, and will be reprogrammed with the phrases, "Cost-effective," "Necessary downsizing," and "Win-win situation."
Though some poor-decision making employees bemoan GM's decision, others find the layoff a relief.
"I'd feel a lot better about the poor quality of our product if I knew a robot was making all of my shity decisions for me," confessed Chief Financial Officer Craig Mays, who added, "Now I can go back to making poor decisions about investing, retirement, and the way I treat my fellow man."
Mays was even more overjoyed to find that the robot willingly made sloppy, anticlimactic sex with his middle-aged wife, Fran.
"It was so cold, distant, and mechanical," said Fran of the intercourse, who added that the robot was eerily like her husband-- "dull, unimaginative, with a light attached to his forehead, and various external, vibrating attachments necessary."
"Just like the good ol' days," remembered Fran warmly. "Before my husband got all, you know..."
Mays trailed off, declining the offer to continue, and merely pointing down to her pelvic area and shaking her head from side to side.
It is not yet clear how GM plans to spend the money it will save through the addition of the robots. The poor-decision-making-robots suggested that they hire a committee of even poorer-decision-making-robots to divy out the extra funds. Union chairman Daniel Bernstein released a statement in which he suggested fighting the robots with a similar substitution of their own. Though the union does not have the funding to afford robots, they have been able to acquire a hundred African chimpanzees chained to typewriters. The Union has already reported a 32% increase in productivity, while instances of corruption are down 1324%.
Still, not everyone has such a rosy outlook. Former Michigan gubernatorial candidate Dick DeVos, begging to be listened, complained that General Motors could have created dozens of jobs in Michigan had it not outsourced the creation of the robots to Sony, a Japanese company.
DeVos rescinded his comments and crawled back into his Grand Rapids area bunker after realizing how incredibly ironic his statement was.
There are some decisions, however, that are simply too inexplicably awful for robots to replicate, such as the Pontiac Aztec. This means that GM will hold onto some of the worst white-collar employees, including all known felons, sex perverts, and money launderers, as well as the creator of the Chevy Avalanche, known to consumers as "The Superflu-Mobile."
Toyota, the automobile company poised to overtake General Motors as the world's leading car company at any moment, said that they plan to retain all of their white-collar employees, who are cold, cruel, and godless enough that replacing them with robots would reportedly, "only add to rust-proofing costs."