"Dorknic Cleansing" Continues Unabated

Engineers Flee Central Campus
Bursley Shelled, Declared "No High" Zone

ANN ARBOR - Civil war continues unabated on the University of Michigan's North and Central campuses. Local authorities are powerless to stop the worst occurrence of "dorknic cleansing" since the very activist, very hip days of the 1960s, as hundreds of engineers were forcibly bused to refugee camps in the north of Ann Arbor yesterday, despite desperate pleas to be allowed to stay.

At around 9 PM, thousands of LS&A students clashed with roving groups of engineers who, desperate for any sort of sensory stimulation, risked the journey to Central Campus. The engineers, greatly outnumbered, were forced to give up on their pursuit of nightlife after their solar-powered "Mega Wham-O Gun" somehow failed to fire.

"I don't understand," said David Graflund, creator of the laser, "the failure of our solar powered laser to function has cast a shade over our hearts as dark as the night sky above us right now. How could this happen?"

The engineers were then forced back onto the buses they came from and shipped to their frigid wasteland home.

The skirmish is only the latest in a series of increasingly violent conflicts between two groups which had previously lived in peace for years. Many blame the deterioration of relations on recently elected LSA-SG president Sloboden Molosovach, an international student from the remnants of Yugoslavia.

"Molosovach has been inciting LS&A students to violence since he took office," says political analyst Anna Tverdosky, "he has convinced the majority of the student body that the engineers are not cool enough to go to the same university they do."

Molosovach denies the charges leveled against him. "Ve vill conquer injustice and predjudice by the Spring! Heil!" he said. "I love all my fellow mans."

Meanwhile, shantytowns have sprung up all over North Campus, filled with the sick, socially inept, and virginal.

"Help me," quivered Roger Stansly, engineering student and Central Campus refugee, "I am so bored. So bored." Stansly then shivered and pulled his makeshift blanket tighter to himself.

Humanitarian aid agencies report that there is plenty of food, water, and other amenities, but the available supplies of entertainment and diversion are critically low. "We may start losing refugees by the hundreds to catastrophic boredom syndrome (CBS)," said Mary Beckett, the Red Cross' leading on-site official. "We've already seen several cases of it."

Beckett explained that signs of CBS include playing Magic: The Gathering, pretending to be a vampire, and going on and on about super-pipelined Z-Buffer GeForce 426 TNT cards. "Anyone who seems to be interested in these uninteresting things may be only hours away from total brain death," said Beckett.

All the USO can offer to combat CBS is Bob Hope, who may in fact be dead.