Jesse Jackson Negotiates Early Release of Star Wars: Episode II
"The Force will be with you, before the year 2002," rhymed Jackson, leader of the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition. "Seeing George Lucas and 20th Century Fox bicker about when to release the next exciting installment of the Star Wars franchise broke me apart. That is why I sat down at a table of brotherhood to negotiate a peaceful ending to this unnecessary stand-off between an insanely wealthy creative visionary and a greedy motion picture studio."
Lucas had originally planned to release his second legacy-destroying movie in 2001, but pushed it back a year so he could put unnecessary special effects in the remaining 2% of scenes that lacked them.
Fox was livid at the schedule change and threatened to sue Lucas for breach of contract. The two parties entered negotiations, but a stalemate resulted when Lucas insisted on speaking in Wookie.
That was when Jackson was airlifted from one of his seven hunger strikes to the set of the next movie, which is currently in pre-production in Sydney, Australia, to get the two sides talking again. Eventually he established a compromise that would both disappoint the fans and make the rich richer.
"Mr. Lucas has agreed to release the movie during Christmas of 2001, if Fox agrees to edit out all of the scenes that involve Jar Jar Binks and fat creatures that nobody can understand," said Jackson.
This is Jackson's second successful hostage negotiation; he previously secured the releases of three Kosovo POWs. Unfortunately for Jackson, the release of Star Wars: Episode II is much less anticipated.
"Oh, boy! I can't wait to be annoyed by annoying pointless plot twists, annoying comic relief characters, and annoying incessant unwarranted hype," said John Ecker, who is a little annoying himself.
However, Ecker's opinion seems to be shared by most of the country. "Mesa sicka of tha stoopid dialoguesa," said a lizard-like creature who asked not to be identified.
Others have complained that The Phantom Menace was disrespectful towards various minority groups and that Jackson should not associate himself with future Lucas projects. Jackson disagrees. "Perhaps Mr. Lucas made fun of Italians and Asians, but his minority employment record is spotless. Can you name anyone else who has employed vast armies of water lizards and evil robots? Only Mr. Lucas can make that claim."
Jackson then began rambling on in Star Wars-related couplets. "The galaxy will not be safer, with the creation of Darth Vader. The movie will not stink, because there is no Jar Jar Binks. There will be no karaoke, but there will be Ben Kenobi. If you do me a favor, I will give you a light saber. Open your eyes and see the sign, of the evil Palpatine."