Annoying, Weak, Elderly, and Dumb to be Deported
"Deport Everybody" Movement Gaining Momentum Across U.S.Following Janet Reno�s directive that Elian Gonzalez, the little Cuban boy of much recent controversy, be returned to his father in Cuba, numerous grass-roots organizations across the nation have latched on to the idea and are now busier than ever before.
"We were sitting around watching TV in our underwear and reading Guns �n� Ammo, and then it just hit us," said Bud McHenry, a member of the Tennessee Board of Education, local militia member, and bait-shop enthusiast. "Now, so what good are old people, anyway? Ain� nothin� �bout �em good: ladies ain� cute, all of �em stink, they�s ugly somethin� awful. Maybe we should just git rid of them old coots."
What Bud didn�t know was that his sentiments were echoing throughout the nation, as millions of people began to realize that perhaps there was a solution to the problem of unwanted people. CNN�s in-depth special on the goals of these numerous groups, "An Immodest Ultimatum: Out With the Bastards!", brought many organizations both together and to Washington, where the real action is taking place.
Despite public acclaim, a recent movement in Congress to have Jewel and Celine Dion summarily executed has stalled, "foundering on the stupid, kindness-to-all-animals Democrats, the spineless, tasteless fucks," as Newt Gingrich put it.
Deportation, however, seems to be an overwhelmingly popular alternative. Over 500,000 names have been placed on the list just three days after deportation was proposed. Those on the list are slated to be shot to Cuba in the nose cone of a Patriot missile or hurled bodily out of planes from a height of no less than 30,000 feet.
In support of the measure, President Clinton repealed the Cuban trade embargo and granted the country "Most Favored Open Landfill", much to the dismay of the previous holder of that title, Rosanne Barr.
Congress� efforts seem to be insufficent, as protesters nationwide are pushing to have Congress� list of "Annoying People to Deport" expanded to include the weak, dumb, and elderly, as well. The weak and elderly, presumably because they are unable to work or meaningfully benefit society�or because they just smell funny all the time�are obvious choices, but the dumb are a much harder group to classify.
"I got a 1570 on my SAT but thought that I could run a George Cantor story and no one would care," said an anonymous E3W editor. "We might as well just deport everybody."
Interestingly, many of the very-dumb also support the measure, as they are apparently unaware of the danger to themselves. Several University sorority girls announced their support of deportation after "bitch-slaping" each other in a public catfight, since "they are, like, a bunch of stupid slutty bitches, you know?"
Thankfully, deportations are slated to begin as soon as next week.