Whites Searching for Hyphenated Name
"White people are tired of being ignored by the politically correct cognoscenti of this country", says Lloyd Weaver, leader of Whites In Need Of Sufferance (WINOS). "Almost every group in this country has a name with a hyphen in it indicating their extreme displeasure with it and their desire to return to their ancestral homelands, except the whites."
Weaver cited such group names as African-American, Inuit-American, Asian-American, and Latino/a-American as examples of groups blessed with hyphens. "Latino/a-Americans even get a slash," he said. "Surely there is enough punctuation available for a few hyphens."
Some scholars have suggested the obvious Caucasian-American, but it has been rejected as insensitive. Tom O'Neill, a fellow protester, said, "I'm not from the Caucus Mountains. That's insulting. I mean, you might as well call African-Americans Kilamanjaro-Americans."
Another name currently under consideration is "American-American", although it is not likely it will be settled upon. Says John Manchester, professor of African-American Studies at Depaul, "Many feel that "American-American" implies the only important Americans are white Americans, and, while this is not a problem to the universally racist whites, it also sounds stupid."
Interbreeding among various forms of white people further complicates things. Many whites would require three or even four hyphens to fully describe their complex, mutt-like backgrounds.
"I am English, Irish, and German," said Weaver, "I would have to be English-Irish-German-American. That contains four hyphens, and that's just not fair. Even the Latino/a-Americans only have one hyphen. We only want our fair share. And to keep all minority groups in relative poverty."
Several minority groups have protested the white-hyphen initiative. "Okay, tell whitey this: he can have his hyphen when he moves into the ghetto," said an unusually candid Urban League spokesman. "Hell, he can have two if he moves into Detroit."
The NAACP and Nation of Islam have also released statements regarding WINOS. The NAACP statement criticizes the group for a "lack of minority leadership and participation", while the Nation of Islam's statement suggested the name "White Devil-Americans" after 300 pages of random denunciations of everything.
WINOS, however, is not dissuaded. "While the Constitution does not specifically guarantee a right to hyphens, Roe v. Wade certainly indicates that constitutional rights can be fabricated from thin air," said Weaver, "and that is exactly what we plan to do."