Alumni Pressure University To Destroy Other Campus Landmarks
"BWA HA HA HA," Say Evil Corporate Demons
"We spoke with our wallets and the University listened," said alumnus Robert Chambers. "Now we plan to use this power for evil instead of good."
The full extent of Evil Alumni Power was exposed during a press conference yesterday when President Bollinger reluctantly announced that his "Master Plan" would be scrapped in favor of the alumni's "We're Bastards Plan".
The approved changes, which border on drastic, include demolishing the Chemistry Building in favor of a small adobe hut occupied by friendly Ann Arbor natives, moving EECS classes to a locale nearer Pinball Pete's and selling the football team to a private collector. In fact, the University has not seen this kind of dramatic change to its landscape since the tragic destruction of North Quad during the turbulent early 60s.
Chambers claims that the alumni are only trying to beautify campus. "Who wants to see an ugly old M on the Diag when you could have, say, the faces of all five Backstreet Boys instead? Now when freshmen are told not to step on something, they may listen. After all, it may be Joey who they're ruining."
The University's administration admits that the changes may be controversial, but plans to go through with them. "Money talks," said University President Lee Bollinger in a press conference "If an alumnus holding a fistful of twenties told me to join a retro band, I'd grab a guitar and start learning Doors covers lickety-split. Heck, that sounds like a good way to pick up chicks anyway."
"I think it's a great idea to listen to input from our affluent former students," stated Provost Nancy Cantor. "By the way, we're renaming the A. Alfred Taubman Medical Library the Jalen Muthafuckin' Rose Medical Library." Cantor later explained that the University hoped that the change would attract hipper, more urban students.
Unfortunately for the University administration, their attempts to alleviate student's fears have failed. Student groups are already organizing in protest. Alpha Chi Sigma, the university's chemistry fraternity, vows to "do something really nasty with hydrogen peroxide if anybody even goes near the Chem building." Gargoyle Magazine has hatched a diabolical plot to send copies of their next issue to alumni homes. Additionally, UAC's own Amazin' Blue is planning a special a cappella adaptation of the Dead Kennedys' "Too Drunk to Fuck" album to raise money to combat alumni influence.
Chambers and his counterparts aren't worried. "They'll never listen to that handful of poor undergrads," he said, "as long as we've got Benjamins this university is our bitch."