Russian Stock Market Tops 50! Yow!

MOSCOW, RUSSIA�The year 2000 picked up where 1999 left off when yet another fiduciary milestone fell as Moscow Stock Market shocked the world by shattering the 50-point mark.

"This was totally unexpected," commented Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve. "Shattering the 50 point barrier demonstrates how the free market system eventually works, albeit after years and years of endless breadlines and unimaginable suffering. Russia is slowly clawing its way out of complete and utter economic chaos to a more stable level of nationwide depression."

The MSE, which has been in existence since the fall of the USSR, has been flirting with 50 for since early January. Experts attributed the rise to Russian stocks such as "VDKA", "BRED", and "MISERY", all of which rallied late in the week to push the MSE over the 50 mark.

"A gradual decrease in eCommunism, coupled with the strong seasons of the various Kozlovs and Bures in the NHL, has created an unprecedented level of optimism," says Russian journalist and drunkard Yuri Trinka. "As much as three percent of the population is not contemplating suicide."

"The news is wonderful," stated Russian businessman and drunkard Fyodor Romanov. "I only wish I could afford a television so I could have witnessed this event on the Russian television station." Romanov later said he hoped to go home that night and celebrate with a meal if he could panhandle enough money to buy food for his emaciated family of seven.

Upon hearing the news, President Clinton was ecstatic. "Now I can take unwarranted credit for two economic booms," he said while petting his intern cat.