I Am Not An Evil Sorcerer

By Krultor the Unthinkable

I have employed this prestigious publication in order to set the record straight about myself and my alleged dealings with the realm of dark sorcery. I believe the public should know the truth, and not the twisted exaggerations found in such shady and untrustworthy publications as The National Enquirer or Newsweek. Both of these peddlers of gossip and self-serving fiction published articles detailing my so-called "attacks" in which I employed the Black Arts in order to achieve my wicked goals. With this statement, I will finally put all of these false allegations to rest. I am not, nor have I ever been, an evil sorcerer.

The first supposed instance of my dealings with insidious conjuring occurred during November's locust infestation. Chicago experienced a vast and impenetrable swarm of locusts that covered the city like a thick black blanket. An hour before the swarm occurred, I was seen performing a ritual at a crudely fashioned stone altar.

First of all, I object to the notion that the altar was crudely fashioned. My assistant, Grimley (who, by the way, is most certainly not my evil zombie slave) is an artist when it comes to constructing altars at a moment's notice. Secondly, I would like to question the person who made the bold assumption that my ritual caused the swarm. There were probably thousands of religious rituals happening in Chicago at the time of the swarm. How can they be sure a Catholic sermon did not cause this phenomenon? Simply because I worship a different god than the mainstream (the lizard god Azbok, who is not an evil hyperintelligent entity from the astral plane), does not mean that I am evil or the cause of all evil in the world. The prejudice I have been subjected to is tantamount to the witch trials of early Salem. In fact, it is almost exactly like it (I know this because I am a historian. It isn't like I'm 700 years old and lived through the trials or anything).

Some narrow-minded individuals who have given in to the national herd mentality also seem to associate my name, Krultor the Unthinkable, with unpleasant attributes. They are making this assumption from my name! Not my personality, not any in-depth interview that was conducted, not from knowing me for any amount of time, or being the alleged goody-two-shoes hero who supposedly stops all my allegedly evil schemes and who I HATE SO VERY VERY MUCH-oh, sorry about that. All I am saying is that a name is no good way to judge anyone. I received the name "Krultor the Unthinkable" in my college basketball days. It was unthinkable that anyone could ever check me. I would have been called "Krultor the Unstoppable" but someone else had that title. The title was certainly not acquired by a reign of terror that has lasted through the centuries. Not that I have had a reign of terror, or that anyone has even mentioned a reign of terror. I was merely estimating an assumption that could have been made from my name.

As I sit in my study at Grundlemorff (which is most certainly NOT a dark and foreboding castle set high atop the Carpathians), I think about the ways in which people can be misjudged, and how these misjudgments can lead to unfair accusations. Those were not my dark clouds which dropped frogs all over the White House, I did not make the gargoyles on Notre Dame cathedral come to life and terrorize Paris, and I did not send ice demons to Hawaii-oh wait a minute, that hasn't been in the news yet-um, strike that last one. I was just making that up to prove my point.

In closing, I would simply like to say that I wish to be judged by what is inside me, not from my evil-sounding name or the fact that I have been seen in the area before all the aforementioned magic-related happenings. I only want to be left alone. And anyone who says differently shall feel the power of my scepter of doom-figuratively, of course.