Fighting Isolation: Paxil or Alcohol?

Recently, advertisements for a new FDA-approved medication, Paxil�, have been showing up on television, radio, and in print. As a public service (and part of my 6-month parole program) we here at E3W thought that we should investigate this new drug and see how might affect the University of Michigan community*.

The Problem

Are you reserved? Shy? Not prone to making a fool out of yourself? While those with social skills are dancing, grinding, laughing, and having fun, are you sitting in a corner, crying softly? Many of us know the pain of social awkwardness; unfortunately, psychotherapy is expensive and tends to make you think your mother is hot.

Alcohol has long been the refuge of the socially incompetent, a new drug, Paxil, has arrived to challenge. Can Paxil defeat the champ? Will Alcohol retain its position as World's Greatest Drug?

Let's get ready to rummmmmmmmmble!

Side-By-Side Comparison

Under the supervision of a staffer, E3W ran a controlled experiment on three people who have admitted to having feelings of social discomfort and non-seasonal depression (Person X, Person Y, Person Z). To test the effectiveness of Paxil, we invited these three people to a bar to interact with other people. Person X was given 60mgs of Paxil, Person Y was given 4 shots of Tequila with an Absolut chaser, and Person Z was given two placebo pills and a Coke. They were then left alone to mingle with the other people in the bar for two hours.

Results

After two hours, our tester returned to an uproarious party. Person X had a beaming smile and was chatting away with others in the room. Paxil seemed to have freed him from his inhibitions and allowed him to blossom as a person. Person Y, previously the most reserved of the group, was found dancing on the bar, grinding with other bar compatriots-men and women. Both seemed to have a very good time.

However, the results for our control, Person Z, were not as positive. Apparently, the sight of her two compatriots having such a good time sent her deeper down her spiral of depression and self-loathing. After an extensive search of the bar, Person Z was found in the bathroom hanging from the ceiling with her belt around her neck with a note reading "Why am I alone?" written in blood tacked to her blouse.

Bottom line

Although effective, the cost and socially awkward side effects of Paxil force me to recommend those who are considering taking Paxil, to save their money on spend it on alcohol. For more information on Paxil, please visit www.paxil.com. For more information on alcohol, please go to Ashley's.

*Not based on actual test. E3W, its staff, as well as its sponsors DOES NOT RECOMMEND anything stated in this article-especially the dangerous and illegal stuff. This is satire people, which means made up. Don't do something stupid, we wouldn't want your father to sue us, UAC, or the makers of Paxil.