Ay-O-Advice! Mona!

Tony Danza used to be the Boss. Now he's just bossy, but his advice column is read nationwide. I mean, people make fun of him, sure, but how successful are you in comparison to Tony Danza? That's what I thought. So shut up about him.

Dear Tony Danza,
My daughter keeps trying to wear inappropriate clothing to school, and even though I try to explain to her that she doesn't want the kind of attention that kind of dress will bring, she keeps trying to sneak past me every morning. What can I do?
Perplexed in Peoria

Ay-Oh-Ay! I had the same problem with my daughter, Samanta! So, I said to Samanta, "Samanta! What are you doing, wearing those clothes! Ay-Oh! Oh-Ay!" And bang, just like that Samanta wasn't wearing those revealing clothes around.

Well, that is, she wasn't until she did porn or something. Ay-Oh! Oh-Ay! Now naked pictures of her are all over the internet. You don't want that to happen to your daughter, do you? No-Ay!
Dear Tony Danza,
My zany, randy mother moved back in with us last year, and every night she brings home another man. I'm worried she's setting a bad example for my daughter. How can I get her to stop bringing men home without getting into a big fight?
Disestablishmentarianist in Decker

Ay-oh! I had the same zany problem with Angeler's zany mother, Mona! So, I said to Mona, "Mona! What are you doing, taking these men home all the times! Ay-oh! Oh-ay!"

And Mona said she was going to kick my ass, but I said "Mona! You are a skinny old woman, and I am a strong Italian man. Mona!" And then she kicked my ass. Ay-Ow! Ow-Ay!

I suggest you should do the same, as long as you can kick your mother's ass.
Dear Tony Danza,
I hired this goofy New York Italian to take care of my bratty son and kick my zany mother's ass once in a while. It started out great, but now he's beginning assert his authority a little too much for my tastes. How do I remind him who's the Boss?
Noodle-Faced in New York

Ay! I had the same problem with my stuck up rich socialite boss� er, employer, Angeler! So I said to Angeler, "Angeler! You're not the Boss! I'm the Boss! Now let's act on this sexual tension we've got going! Angeler!"

Unfortunately, Angeler's zany mother Mona overheard our conversation and kicked my ass.

I suggest you do the same, as long as you can kick your mother's ass. Then it's Oh-Oh-Oh-Ay time, dude!