Vampires Hold First Annual Stake Back the Night Rally
Inspired by Ann Arbor's annual "Take Back The Night" rally for women's rights, dozens of local vampires took to the streets yesterday in the first annual "Stake Back The Night" rally. The rally is designed to foster acceptance of vampirism and draw attention to the plight of the modern vampire.
"Vampires are people too," said Ann Arbor resident and marcher Ann Cartera. "Or, at least, we're close to people. Fine, we're somewhat analogous to people, if you're going to be a big jerk about it."
The march was hastily organized after the tragic death of Lucy Venable, a University student described by many to be "as innocent as a vampire can be".
"Lucy Venable was like anyone else," said keynote speaker and event organizer Demona Richardson. "She grew up with her parents, friends, and the unkillable blood-sucker fiends that stole her soul. She thought that here, on our campus, she could walk around at night without fear. But then one night she went to a frat party, where someone talked sweet to her, slipped something into her drink, and without warning jammed a wooden stake right through her heart."
Richardson continued after a dramatic pause. "It doesn't matter what she was wearing, how drunk she was, or how long she has wandered the earth searching for victims-no one ever asks to get staked. This never should have happened. And we're here to see that it never happens again!"
However, the "perfect night" of togetherness, solidarity, and bloodlust was not without its share of controversy. Several other members of the Undead community claimed that they were unfairly excluded from the march and rally.
"I was looking forward to joining the march, but [the vampires] said no," said Richard Bets, a second-year LS and A zombie. "It shouldn't matter what sort of Undead I am, be it zombie, banshee, goblin, or a ghoul. We're all doomed to walk the earth until the end of time, so why can't we walk together?"
Compounding the march's problems, a group of students from neighboring Sunnydale High School staged a counter-protest on site. "They're out to control all of you," said busty high-school senior and self-proclaimed "Slayer" Buffy. "We must resist them! Maintain your individuality, join us! Oh, and don't forget to watch 'Buffy' and 'Dawson's Creek' on the WB."
Buffy, after fulfilling a contractual obligation by bouncing around for a bit, was then arrested for attacking some of the vampires. She was charged with assault, possession of silver-containing firearms, 3rd degree garlic possession (a mere 5 fine in Ann Arbor) and unnecessary cleavage display.
Richards said the actions of Buffy and her attractive, witty, twenty-something cohorts were typical of the university community. "It's really disappointing," she said. "A simple, irresistible urge to consume the life-force of those around me makes me some sort of monster? It's not like I'm a Republican or anything."
Despite the apparent dangers of being staked, many students on campus are dismissive of the vampires' cause. "You'd think that a bunch of freakishly dressed nymphomaniacs with strange addictions would pass completely unnoticed in Ann Arbor," said LS and A junior Scott Kilroy. "No one's going to even know they're vampires if they stop holding rallies."