Bollinger Honored for Destroying Students' Hopes, Dreams

ANN ARBOR—At a posh luncheon held yesterday at the Alumni Center, University President Lee Bollinger was awarded with a special commemoration by the National Association of Higher Education Administrators in honor of his "unyielding and unrepentant ability to suck the life-blood and hope out of even the most politically active and otherwise dedicated students on campus."

The distinction comes after Bollinger's life-force-destroying treatment of the Michigamua protest by the Students of Color Coalition. Bollinger's abandonment of a number of students in the Union Tower for 37 days has been hailed as a 'revolutionary' approach to addressing student concerns.

"We honor President Bollinger for the precedent he has set," said Scott S. Cowen, President of NAHEA. "No longer will University Presidents be bogged down by having to care about students' dreams, aspirations, hopes, or sense of justice. Bollinger has made these two statements clear: The Buck Stops Here! And Your Cause is Completely Worthless To Me!"

Bollinger was notably moved by the commemoration. "This means a lot to me, but the real reward comes in the performance of my job," he said. "When I look into the crying eyes of a student fruitlessly campaigning to end sweatshop labor or reverse the drop in minority enrollment and realize that their effort has been completely wasted because of me, that's where the joy is."

Bollinger plans to continue his work undermining grassroots student endeavors and insulting minority communities by tripling the University's funding to UAC's humor publication.