Dear Abbess Of The Dark Order of Klagaroth, Destroyer Of Minds, Soul-Eater, The Dark One
The Abbess of the Dark Order of Klagaroth has been dispensing her sagacious, yet infernal, advice ever since 13-year old Timmy Roth decided that it would be 'kewl' if his next D and amp,D character was, like, this totally hot evil chick..
I am afflicted with impotency and my wife keeps pressuring me to purchase Viagra, but I'm too embarrassed to reveal my condition to a doctor. What can I do to please my wife but keep my dignity?
Soft in Sacramento
The only thing that can cure you is the 5 Sword of Desire.
But not so fast, wurm! The Sword is guarded by a trio of diabolical minions! The first is the triple-headed 2 snake of doom. The second is the seven-livered cod of woe, which shall, um, do something nasty of doom. The third is Edward Thorpe, seventh-grader of doom, who will take your lunch money.
Only if you best these beasts from the Netherworld (or, in the case of Thorpe, Pennsylvania) will you lay hands upon the Sword of Desire.
I have a beautiful white sequined dress that I'm planning on wearing out on the town next weekend, but I don't know how to accessorize. Please assist.
Konfused in Kalamazoo
A fine query, wurm! The answer depends largely upon your alignment. The chaotic neutral partygoer (erratic, yet savvy), will find the 3 Bracers of Painting Ye Olde Town Red most effective at enlivening the night air, as they improve not only dexterity, but also constititution and charisma by 1d6 points. Be warned, however, that any lawful or evil personality that attempts to don the Bracers will receive an electric shock worth 2d12 hit points per hour of use.
The Bracers also have an encumbrance factor of 1.255, which may cause trouble if you are carrying excessive rations, a bedroll, or the ever-popular scale-mail armor when orcs or hobgoblins descend on your little soiree.
I am locked in a room that is quickly filling with a fine-grained sand. If I do not escape within twenty minutes, the sand will completely fill the room and I will suffocate, leaving the evil sorcerer Krultor the Unthinkable with the ancient 7 Iodine Blotter. Help, please?
Suffocating Swordsman
Why, I have no idea what you're talking about. While it is true that Krultor is indeed prone to merry practical jokes that occasionally go horribly awry, these unfounded rumors about him being some sort of "evil sorcerer" are no more than defamation of character.
I, in fact, am a good friend of Krultor and Klagaroth is good friends with the lizard god Azbok. We know both to be fine, upstanding gentlemen who are just a tiny bit clumsy. This clusminess occasionally leads the destruction of millions of souls, but while they may be laughing on the outside, deep down they are just as hurt as you or I or the Soul-Eater itself.