E3W Guide to Summer Fun
So, it's seeming like the semester is never going to end, but, in fact, the year is almost over and it's time for you to be having some fun! Yeah!
There's lots of ways to have summer fun. Here are the best ones.
Getting a Ferret -
During the hot, sweltering months of summer in Michigan (or your home state), you might be finding yourself in need of companionship. Let me suggest that you avoid traditional summer pets such as hop-frogs, nightcrawlers or elk Instead, get a summer ferret. As we all know, summer is hot. Ferrets know this too. Therefore, you should shave your ferret before use.
Miniature Golf -
Break out the clubs, boys, cuz we're goin' golfin'! The summer staples of windmill and large dog are back in full effect this summer. It will be tres chic to go golfing, dude! You might lose your ball in the waterfall, but if you're tall you'll get the ball, or my name isn't Molly.
Tanning -
Hey look at you, you pale little shit. But fret not - scientist has discovered that you, dear reader, are impervious to melanoma! That's right. You can't get cancer. No way, no how. While enjoying a cancer-free summer day, catch some rays under the blazing sun, and soak in the ultraviolet liktoot.
Bass Fishing -
My grandpappy used to like to go bass fishing. He used to sit me on his lap, with his rod fully unfurled, and beat me about the head. In between whacks he would sometimes catch fish. On the occasions that he caught fish, he would scream "Flibberty gee, gad wumpet!" Picture yourself on a lake. With my grandpappy. Fishing. Good times, huh?
Selling Lemonade -
As a child, I lived on a lemon ranch. See this here brand on my upper left buttock? That's from the lemon herder. By the side of US-73, which ran crosswise roundabout through suburban Baltimore, where the ranch was, I had a stand. I sold tasty lemonade to the passersby for a nickel. There's more.
Fly Fishing -
My grandmammy used to like to go fly fishing. She used to sit me on her head, with her rod fully unfurled, and box my ears. In between boxings she would sometimes catch fish-flies. On the occasions that she caught fish-flies, she would paddle to shore and circle 'round an oak tree four times. Picture yourself on a lake. With my grandmammy. Fishing. Good times, huh?
Ice Masturbation -
This might seem hard to do in the summer, what with the lack of ice! However, you could fill a kiddie pool with water and fish of your choosing. Then, when the pool is full, place it in the nearest available meat locker. This will cause the water to freeze, and then you can ice masturbate.
Lingo Guide:
liktoot - saliva from the sun
masturbation - being really good at baiting