Dream Team Dominates Special Olympics
[Editor's Note: We're going to hell. Straight to hell.]
SOUTH BEND, INDIANA-The United States Olympic Basketball Team, Dream Team IV, steamrolled "Special Team Sweden" yesterday 210-24 to advance to the final game at this year's Summer Special Olympics. The Dream Team has encountered little opposition in its run through the bracket, but is unsatisfied with its play so far.
"Although we played a good game, we've got to step it up to the next level if we want to take down team Slovakia," said team center and captain Shaquille O'Neal during a post-game press conference. "Some may say they've got no chance, but several of the Slovakians are better at free throws than I am."
In what can only be described as a cruelly hilarious twist of fate, the travel agent for the Dream Team accidentally flew them to the Special Olympics being held in South Bend, Indiana instead of the XX Summer Olympiad in Sydney, Australia. Exhausted from the two hour airplane flight after being forced to watch "The Other Sister", the in-flight movie, the team decided not to re-board the plane and fly to Australia, instead petitioning the Special Olympic Committee to grant them entrance into the games.
Never before has a country sent an "unspecial" team to the Special Olympics, however, there was an incident in 1980 when representatives from France claimed to have misrouted their Olympic fencing team. Fortunately for France, clinical doctors couldn't determine whether that team that arrived at the Special Olympics was composed of slow-witted, naïve, handicapped people or the French, and so they were allowed to compete. They eventually finished sixth.
Current members of the Dream Team are using the French example to combat charges that the competition is unfair. "We're in the same boat they were," said small forward Grant Hill. "Sure, we can dominate regular basketball with our superior size and skill, but the Special Olympics throw out all of the rules we're used to. For example, there are no out-of-bounds, there are no three pointers, and if a player misses a shot he gets one point for trying. This dude from Kazakhstan started biting me, and apparently that isn't a foul in this game!"
Other Dream Teamers are suggesting that the entire competition may be a front. "These guys are a lot craftier than the general public gives them credit," said Vince Carter. "In our game against Egypt, this guy ran around with the ball for twenty minutes to burn the clock. We only won that one by fifity points."
Hill agrees with Carter and claims that the final game may be a tough one. "I've heard some bad things about the Slovaks," he said. "They're a mean bunch of retards."
Members of other basketball teams don't seem to mind getting destroyed by the American players. "I like Tim Duncan," said Tommy Slobodanmilosovic, a 'team player' for Yugoslavia who prominently displayed his participant certificate to our reporter. "See my certificate? Tim Duncan gave me this. He's my friend. Sometimes he talks to me. Are you my friend? Gimme a hi five! Hi five! Hi five! Wanna see me smile? Hi five."