Student Sues Wacky 80's Sitcoms, Coming-of-Age Movies

Crazy schemes, zany romantic misunderstandings not really part of everyday life

University senior Alex Park filed a lawsuit last week claiming various 80's sitcoms and coming of age movies caused him severe emotional distress. "I was deliberately deceived by the sitcoms and films I dearly loved as an adolescent," said Park. "I was led to believe that life would be a series of non-stop crazy schemes to get out of the zany predicament my friends and I would invariably get into. Instead, my friends and I mostly just sit around eating chocolate-covered Oreos and playing Play Station 2, and there's nothing zany about that."

Park claims that his hectic course load leaves little time for devising and executing various madcap capers that would get him out of various fixes.

"Between trying to read Plato's 'Republic' and going to Orgo lab, I just wouldn't have the time to steal a bus from a school for the blind and drive across the country to intercept a tape showing me cheating on my high school girlfriend," Park explained. He then added that he did not actually have a high school girlfriend.

During Park's testimony, he related the horrors he suffered due to the gross indifference of these sitcoms. "I met this girl and we immediately hated each other. We were constantly at each other's throats for over a year, and not once did we spontaneously make-out in the middle of a heated argument. When she said 'I would rather feast upon my own entrails,' I was sure she really meant 'my loins are aflame for you, lover. I want to tear off your 'Programmers Do It in the Binary Position' t-shirt and explore every bit of your 5'4", 226 pounds with my tongue.' But after the restraining order goes through, it will be pretty hard for her to do that." Park also described his shock and disappointment when he went undercover as a woman at a local sorority house, and hilarity did not ensue. "As the girls were screaming 'rape' and coating my genitals with pepper spray, I began to doubt Zach and Slater"

Park claims that besides emotional damage, he has also lost many meaningful relationships. "I felt lonely, so I developed an eating disorder, a la D.J. Tanner in Episode #76. I was sure that when my friends caught me, we would all share a good cry and realize how fragile life really was and ultimately it would bring us closer together. But when they found out I was only doing it for attention, they stopped calling me. I really miss that wisecracking black guy, that sassy Hispanic girl, and even miss my smart Chinese friend who sometimes doubled as a Puerto Rican."

The trial was delayed for two days when the appointed judge found Park in contempt when his only response to defense's questions regarding his background was "In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on the playground is where I spent most of my days." Park hopes the trial will have a positive outcome, after which he and the defendants can grab a burger at the Max while they all enjoy a live performance by Jesse and the Rippers until someone loses their virginity.