Terror Alert Elevated to 'Magenta'

WASHINGTON, DC -- Americans were terrified yesterday when the government's new Terror Alert Scale reached magenta levels for the first time ever. The sudden fuchsia-to-magenta switch marks either the largest increase or decrease in the Terror Alert Scale's brief but terrifying existence. Or it could mean everything is pretty much the same as it was yesterday.

White House press secretary Ari Fleischer held a contentious press conference to reassure the country that the government has no idea what's going on whatsoever. "Magenta, huh?" said Fleischer. "Boy, they sure think up some crazy shit. I mean, uh, yes, new intelligence has come to light that has forced us, in our infinite wisdom, to increase the alert level to magenta. No, we can't tell you what it means. No, we can't tell you if there is an imminent attack on the US. We don't want to panic anyone unnecessarily. "

In previous weeks, the colored alert scale has fluctuated wildly. It has gone from cyan to aquamarine, then increased sharply to vivid tangerine, dropped slightly to beige, and in a three-day span, gone from beige to off-white to 'Sodom-and-Gomorrah-blood-red'.

Since its inception, the terror scale has been criticized for its seeming lack of relatedness to any real-life events. "Those accusations are simply not true," Fleischer said. "What do they think we have, a Wheel of Terror? Ridiculous."

Fleischer then described the giant multicolored wheel behind him as a "Wheel of No Significance Whatsoever" and repeatedly denied that the various sections were labeled with such terror-inspiring phrases as "Oh God, Run For Your Lives" and "Please, Not Again, Oh Lord, Not Again"

"No, you're not reading it right off the wheel," said Fleischer. "You're probably having a flashback to 'Nam. Yes, you were in 'Nam. No, you weren't six years old. Unless you journalists actually start listening to these press conferences, I see little point in continuing."

President Bush also gave a statement about the importance of remaining calm despite this increased state of alertitude. "Citizens, it is important to stress the importance of living our lives normally, "said Bush. "And by normally, I mean 'knowing that at any second a vaguely realized fear propagated by our own government may strike suddenly and without warning'. If not, the terrorists have already won."