Student Denied Breakup Sex
In a disturbing development for meaningless sex enthusiasts across campus, LS and amp,A Junior Thomas Hilton was denied post relationship coitus last Wednesday after a tear-filled breakup with his girlfriend of seven months, Jennifer Bacon. It is considered customary for both parties to participate in at least one last lovemaking session following a break-up, if not several increasingly heartbreaking and disturbing ones, but Bacon decided such an act would be "unhealthy" and cause "severe psychological trauma."
Though Hilton is still in denial, he now faces the unpleasant prospect of entirely solitary lovemaking sessions for several months, if not years. "Hey, I've got all kinds of options here," he lied flagrantly. "I'm betting two, three days and I'll be doing six or seven chicks. Seriously. Okay. Maybe one. And maybe I'll be in my thirties. Damn."
The break-up occurred Wednesday night after Hilton's IM flag football game in the parking lot at Elbel field. Bacon approached Hilton, announced her decision to end the relationship to Hilton, gave her reasons for the separation, and left after a short embrace. The whole encounter lasted approximately 25 minutes, during which no sex between the two parties occurred. Hilton regrets the missed opportunity. "I've had other girlfriends," he said, "and the last screw is always the best because you can totally be a freak and not care what she thinks. Now I'll always wonder what it'd be like to hump her to the theme song from Mighty Mouse while she's dressed up in a pirate costume. I had the eye patch and everything."