That Bitch You Call Girlfriend Is Up To No Good
We used to be such great friends. When you beat Mario 1, 2, and 3 in the same day, I knew we had something special. It seemed like we could accomplish anything. Put simply, the world was our oyster.
Then she came along. At first I was happy for you. But before I knew it, a whole week had gone by without you so much as looking at a controller. I can't take it anymore. It's time for you to decide who you want to keep: me, your best friend for the past ten years, or her, some no-name slut you'll forget in two weeks. The right decision is obvious.
C'mon, who's the one guy you've always been able to trust? It'sa me, Mario! When I tell you that your girlfriend is a dirty whore and you should dump her like a Laiktu unloading a spikey bomb from his damn near impossible to reach flying cloud, you have to believe me. And I'm not just saying this because I'll be sold to Funcoland and reg, at an embarrassingly low price if you decide to keep seeing this girl -- which, by the way, you would regret doing for the rest of your life. I'm telling you this because I'm your friend, and that's what true friends do... tell each other what they need to hear, even if --nay, especially if --it is painful to hear. That bitch you call girlfriend is up to no good, all she wants to do is break us apart.
So do both of us a favor and jump past her like she's a poisoned mushroom. Like said mushroom, she is nothing but trouble. Sure, they both look enticing from a distance, but as soon as you touch either all hell breaks loose. In fact, you'd be better off with the shroom - the worst it can do is make you think you're the animated corpse of Lenin leading an undead army bent on reclaiming Mother Russia from its capitalist overlords, and that would be fun for at least the first half hour or so. This slut, on the other hand, will get you to hate your friends, brainwash you until the only thing you want to do is hold her hand and watch Lifetime, then kick you out when you ask for an extra scoop of raspberry sherbet. Please don't let it come to that.
What's that you say about the princess? Don't even get me started...alright, you ever wonder why she's always "kidnapped?" That's right, I've been trying to get rid of that bitch for the past twelve years, and the only person stupid enough to take her is Bowser. And you ever wonder why you never see any of my friends? Yeah, I don't have any. I used to, hell, I was the most popular guy on the block. I had girls calling me over all the time, and I wasn't just fixing their pipes, if you know what I mean. Now I'm always around her, apologizing for forgetting to get the right kind of kitty litter and shit like that. Dude, she doesn't even put out.
But seriously, if there's one thing you should have learned from our time together, well, I guess that would be mushrooms should always be referred to as "bigs," but if you learned two things you know you should dump your psycho girlfriend before she comes between you and your friends.