The Every Three Weekly Guide to STABBING STABBING STABBING Interviewing

Eventually, you're going to have to get a job. Or die. To get a job you will probably have to talk to some human resources motherfucker. Human resources motherfuckers would make the pope seriously kill some shit. And everyone else too, the pope's not a psycho or anything, although that twitching is getting a little frightening. The point is, even the goddamn pope wants to kill the people who are determining whether you get a job or not. So it's hard not to kill them and run screaming from the room holding their head aloft.

And killing coworkers isn't going to get you any jobs except psychopope and that job's taken. Taken by me, so step off. Because I'm the goddamn psychopope, you hear? I'll kick your ass psychostyle and then spear you in the throat with my psychopope hat. And then I'll put you in hell.

The upshot is all the jobs where killing your interviewer is a good idea are taken and you're going to have to actually talk to the MBA asshole who's really just thinking about his money and how much he's enjoying buying Red Wings tickets and never going to games.

So we're going to tell you how to get a job from said asshole. I'm not, psychopopes don't have to deal with this bullshit, we just kill people with lightning and shit. But some other people are.

When asked why you left your previous job, say that your girlfriend/wife/daughter/mother/sister kept sneaking into the office during the day to have wild group sex with the HR department. Show them a picture of Carmen Electra, and when they say "your mom isn't Carmen Electra," prove that she is by showing them another picture of Carmen Electra and pointing out the family resemblance between your mother and sister. If they say "that's just another picture of Carmen Electra" you'll have to kill them.

When asked how much experience you have, say a million years. HR weasels are cunning and will ferret out small lies, like "I have a year of experience" or "I have some vague idea of what your company does." The mind-boggling lie will be accepted at face value because no one would ever say they had a million years of experience unless they really did. If they ask about something else say you have two million years and six years of experience in that. The six will prevent them from becoming suspicious. Kill them if they look at you funny.

Remember, your stabbing skills are excellent and unpredictable. This may seem useful only in the stabbing-people industry, but it's remarkable how many HR people show a great interest in how to accommodate your wishes when Mr. Stabby makes his appearance in all his staberrific glory. If they seem uninterested in your stabbing skills, stab them.

When stabbing the HR representative in the face, if he screams out "I have a family, please!" stop stabbing him until you find out his address. Then finish killing him, put on his suit, and take his job and family. Remember: blood covered suits featuring multiple stab wounds were popular during the war and will be again soon.

Bring a lollipop and offer it to your interviewer as a show of caring.