Jay Leno Blasts Lions' Coaching Search
Hiring of Competent Coach May Cut Potential Monologue Jokes by 33%Jay Leno, host of NBC's Tonight Show, joined Jesse Jackson and Johnny Cochran in denouncing the Detroit Lions' decision to hire Steve Mariucci as head coach without first interviewing other candidates.
"The decision to hire a coach whose credentials include four playoff appearances and two division titles in six years makes a mockery of the practices in hiring coaches that the Lions are supposed to strive for," Leno said Monday. "With countless incompetent coaches available, the decision to hire one with a solid history as a head coach in the National Football League is a travesty.
"These are the Lions!" Leno continued. "There were plenty of potential coaches who would have perfectly fit the bill as their new head coach. Any one of them would have ensured that the Lions would continue their miserable trend of failure for the next decade, thereby ensuring hilarious monologue jokes for years to come."
Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen continued to defend the hiring at a press conference later that day.
"Look, we tried to interview several potential incompetent head coaches," Millen said. "We tried to honor Mr. Leno's request. But they all knew we wanted to go in a different direction and hire somebody with actual coaching experience. So they simply declined to interview."
Despite this, many feel that the Lions simply did not try hard enough. With the number of horrible head coach choices that could have been made, some argue that the Lions could have found more prospective coaches to talk to.
"There were certainly those out there who I believe would have jumped at the chance for an interview," ESPN football analyst Chris Mortensen said. "To the best of my knowledge, Wayne Fontes is still looking for an NFL job. You would expect the Lions would have jumped at the chance to bring him back. Or there's John Cooper and George O'Leary, two men with atrocious college records who also would have been perfect candidates.
"And what about Marty Mornhinweg? Sure, the Lions just fired him, but he is a pretty horrible coach, and he is looking for a job. You would think the two parties would have fulfilled what the other was looking for."
Leno, for one, would presumably agree.
"You worry now, with the Lions ignoring the requisite guidelines, that others will follow suit," he said. "What's next? The Cincinnati Bengals hiring a decent GM? The Cleveland Cavaliers finding a legitimate director of player personnel? We have to consider: What does this do for late night talk show hosts with writers too tired and unfunny to come up with an original joke? What affect does this have on them? And on the people who stay up to watch these lame-ass jokes?
"See, check this bit out. 'Last Wednesday, President Bush announced that he had reason to believe that smallpox had already been used in this country as a biological terror weapon. Fortunately, no one was hurt. Apparently, it was found on the Detroit Lions goal line.'
"See?" Leno continued. "That's golden! What if the Lions get good and that's not funny anymore? It's a travesty."