New Lions Coach Steve Mariucci Revealed To Be a Nazi

"I'm just not good at picking coaches," says Matt Millen

Just two weeks after signing him to a five year, $25 million contract, it was learned on Tuesday that new Lions coach Steve Mariucci is, in fact, a Nazi.

"I couldn't figure out why he wanted to sign with us," said Lions president Matt Millen. "I was like, 'Hmm, here's one of the best coaches in the league, he could go to any team he wants to, but he decided to come to us. Yeah, that makes sense.' I knew it was too good to be true."

After some deliberation, Millen ultimately decided to fire Mariucci. "I wasn't sure if I should fire him or not," said Millen. "Sure, he's a Nazi, but the players were just starting to learn his system. I didn't want to mess that up. Plus, Mariucci's a hometown guy, so I thought the fans might forgive him. Boy, was I wrong. Say what you want about Lions fans, but one thing's for certain--they don't like Nazis. Case closed."

After initially hiring Mariucci, the Lions were criticized for not interviewing minority candidates for the coaching position. Millen says he won't make the same mistake twice. "We're already lining up candidates," said Millen, "including Dennis Green, J.J. Walker, and the Cream of Wheat Chef."

"I don't know if those are the best candidates," said Lions owner William Clay Ford. "I think we should try to get that kid from 'Diff'rent Strokes.' Wouldn't he be great? That way, anytime we get called for a penalty, he could just be like, 'What you talkin' about, ref?' That would be so adorable."