David Arquette "Shocked" at American Comedy Awards Snub

Funnyman David Arquette was stunned to learn last week that he had been completely ignored by the American Comedy Awards, the highest honors to be bestowed upon comedians.
[An overly optimistic Arquette anticipates the awards show]
An overly optimistic Arquette anticipates the awards show

"It's simply baffling," Arquette said following the show, which aired Thursday night on Comedy Central. "You figure, when you make two movies as humorous yet poignant as Ready to Rumble and See Spot Run, you're due for some sort of recognition. I'm disappointed that the voting committee felt otherwise."

Arquette's wife, fellow celebrity Courtney Cox, could offer no explanation. "It's really bizarre," she said, standing at her husband's side. "See Spot Run was a movie about an extremely intelligent dog and a lovable but stupid man. My husband played that lovable but stupid man brilliantly, and the wacky hijinks that ensued were first rate. It's also very original too - almost as much as Austin Powers 2."

Other comedians held similar sentiments for the ignored comedian.

"It really is a shame that such unique and unforgettable talents be rendered ignored by those who are supposed to know comedy best," a disillusioned Tom Green said. "This upsets me so greatly, it burns so deep in my soul, that I can think of nothing that would ease my pain. Incidently, my bum is on your clipboard."

Despite such outpourings of sympathy from some fellow comedians, others actually resented Arquette's belief that he had somehow been left in the cold.

"What the hell is wrong with that moron???" a frustrated and bewildered Lewis Black screamed to a reporter. "I mean, hello? HELLO? He made a bad movie about WRESTLING!!! HELLO?"

However, further cries of "HELLO?" went unheeded, and Black eventually suffered a stroke after stomping angrily while ranting uncontrollably about George W. Bush for approximately seven hours.

"What a freak!" a nearby Margaret Cho added. "He has no talent. He's not an artist like me. Want to hear my uncanny imitation of my mother with whom I lived for the first eighteen years of my life and still call regularly? How do I do it? How do I do it?"

Despite all the conflicting beliefs about the talents of David Arquette, the funnyman himself is simply holding out hope for next year.

"You can't stay bitter about this sort of thing," Arquette said. "You just have to strive to improve your craft. The coming year should be good for me. I'm getting back with Brendan Fraser and Adam Sandler to do a sequel to Airheads. Then, I'm making another film called Dude, Where's My Retarded Kid Brother?" He then paused before adding, "I play the retarded kid brother."