Ralph Williams Named UM Basketball Coach
"He's like Pitino With Really Big Hands," Says AD
"The man's taught in every other department-English, Religion, Italian, Brain Surgery, Groundskeeping-so we figured 'why not athletics?'" Martin said at Tuesday's press conference. "So we asked him if knew anything about college basketball. Ralph just flailed his hands about wildly and quoted some long thing about King Lear and his inability to reconcile paternal responsibility with his own malignant hubris-we didn't really understand anything he was saying, but we figured he knew what he was talking about."
Williams, who has been at Michigan for more than 30 years, has no previous head-coaching experience. In fact, the only sports experience he has had to date was a short stint managing the "Petrarchean Son-ettes," a cheerleading group that provided halftime entertainment at the home games of the Fort Lauderdale Purgatorio, a short lived CBA franchise.
Ignoring the microphones set up on the press table, Williams delivered his first official words as the UM men's basketball coach while pacing animatedly around the podium, occasionally directing strange, excited waves towards people he had never seen before.
"I'm delighted to be here, just delighted," he boomed with a broad smile. "To see all you wonderful people, to share in this marvelous game of 'basketball,' to begin anew, to preside over this magnificent rebirth. We are yet again babes in the gentle arms of a tender nurse-yea or nay class, yea or nay?!"
After a mystified, nervous chorus of "yeas" from the press corps, Williams wiped a mysterious white residue from his lips and continued. "The coach's job, as I see it, is not unlike the duty described by sweet Desdemona in William Shakespeare's Othello: 'Those that do teach young Babes/ Do it with gentle means, and easy tasks/...for in good faith/ I am a Child to chiding.' And from the innocent blood of dear Desdemona, let spring the same hope eternal that lifts LaVell Blanchard upon the gilded wings of golden seraphim to the very gates of paradise!"
As Williams wept silently for several minutes, tremendously moved by the obscurity of his simile, the press followed the current basketball roster into the gym for a public practice session with their new coach.
"I don't know if I like him calling us babes," said freshman center Josh Moore, "but I think Coach Williams can bring a lot to this team." When asked to elaborate on Williams' potential contributions to the basketball program, Moore said, "Well, he speaks Italian, and Kobe Bryant speaks Italian-you do the math."
After being informed that there was no arithmetic implicit in his last statement, Moore replied, "Shut up, shortie."
Soon afterwards, the lanky Williams jogged onto the practice court wearing a full sweat suit with a brown suede jacket. Then, Williams announced the rubrics for the day's practice with great flair.
"Rubric one-The top of the key-and the depths of the Inferno...the top of the key, and the depths of the Inferno. Rubric Two-it's so lovely to see all of you here today, each and every one of you-Rubric Two-And so goeth Ellerbe, to the sulphurs of Hell...and so goeth Ellerbe, to the sulphurs of hell?"
Looking directly at freshman guard Avery Queen, he continued. "Rubric Three-'Alas, poor Crawford! I knew him, Horatio.'"
Queen then turned to Moore and whispered, "Why does he keep calling me Horatio?"
After eight more rubrics and nearly 71, biblical, classical, Elizabethan, Victorian, political, agricultural, gastronomical, scientific and cosmetic allusions, the team began a light workout and scrimmage, followed by a short lecture on the repeated use of pick-and-roll imagery in the gospel of St. Luke.
Following the practice, star forward LaVell Blanchard expressed optimism regarding Professor Williams' new role. "It's not like things can get any worse," he said. "Oh no, maybe we'll be down 34-0 to Duke instead of 34-2. I'm scared, really."
From out of nowhere, Professor Williams chimed, in a register three octaves above his normal speaking voice, "And that's true too!"