Worldcom Agrees to Purchase Burger King

$160 Mini-Merger to Provide Employees With Tasty Lunch

NEW YORK, NEW YORK-Wall Street was once again sent into turmoil last week following the news that communications giant Worldcom has agreed to purchase a portion of the Burger King Corporation. The deal, worth an estimated one hundred and sixty dollars, makes the new corporate juggernaut the third largest long distance-providing, your-way-making partnership in the United States.

Worldcom CEO Bernie Ebbers announced last Wednesday that his company would pay eight shares of stock in exchange for thirty Whopper Jr. with Cheese Value Meals and Hershey's Sundae Pies. The deal should go through sometime next week, when several members of a networking team in the Atlanta office are considering working through lunch.

"It's a pretty big project, and their deadline's coming up in about ten days here," Ebbers explained. "It's really looking like they may need to stay at the office for lunch. We just want to be prepared. Plus, we're always looking to expand, and I would never overlook a possible partnership with someone that can make such a respectable French toast stick."

According to Ebbers, the names of the two corporations will remain unchanged, to prevent confusion in each company's respective customer base. "Based on what we've seen with these types of mergers in the past, it's very difficult for a new name to gain acceptance," he explained, citing last year's ridiculous Long John Silverizon Wireless Seafood and the recent failure of Kentucky Fried Nortel.

Though the names are not changing, the merger will be evident in the companies' advertising. Burger King has already begun plans on a promotional campaign that will feature a six-foot length of fiber optic cable in every Big Kids Meal. "It's like a lasso," said a Burger King spokesperson. "A big dangerous lasso made out of sharp expensive glass." A voluntary recall of the cable is also being planned.

The crossover marketing hasn't escaped Worldcom, either. "I just upgraded my plan," said Worldcom Wireless customer Jack Gatling. "Now every month I get 300 anytime chicken tenders."

Some Worldcom employees have expressed concern and confusion regarding the merger. "I've never seen anything like this in my eight years here," said software engineer Alex Lee. "If we bought out a company every time one of our employees solicited something from them for personal use with company funds during work, I can personally vouch for the fact that we would have had an internet pornography team here years ago. That would have been sweet."

In addition, Ebbers has warned that some Worldcom layoffs can be expected. "Some of our company's services will be replaced with those of our new partner," explained the CEO at his press conference yesterday. "For example, our flame-broiling division is now completely unnecessary."

Despite these concerns, early reports show that the market has reacted positively to the acquisition. "I think it's a good move for Worldcom," said financial analyst and sandwich lover Mike Hayes. "I myself have 'merged' with a BK Big Fish Sandwich three times this week. That is a damn fine fish sandwich."