UM Dropout "Can Relate" to Henson's Decision
"I feel like I'm in a unique position to know where Drew is coming from, " Ostrowski said between bong hits. "Or, you know, where he is, man. Not necessarily where he's coming from, or where he's going, because what is that, man? You've gotta free yourself from the bonds of time, man. It's just like Nietzsche said, man-'life is like an endless rainbow.'"
Ostrowski, a thin 21 year-old with a rough complexion and unintentional dreadlocks, spoke to reporters yesterday from his dingy, blacklit basement room on Arbor street.
"There's just, like, too much pressure at college sometimes, you know? Education is cool and all, but sometimes you'll be sitting in Natural Resources 210 and you'll be thinking, like, 'Man, it feels like I've been here before, like I'm doing this shit all over again,' and then you're like, 'Oh yeah, I took this class last semester but I failed and had to take it over again,' and then you're like, 'Shit, I wish I was high right now,' and then you're like, 'Damn, I am high,' and then you think about all the bad things going on in the world like Phish breaking up and that war in Australia and that movie 'Chocolat'-and man, that's a drag, man. Big time. Speaking of which?"
After a pause to finish the remainder of his joint, Ostrowski went on to describe his perception of the star athlete's situation.
"The way I see it, Drew just got tired of all that straight shit, man-like grades and essays and showers and clean clothes and toilet paper-and he was just like, 'Hey man, screw this, I'm just gonna move to Jamaica as soon as my cheapass parents send my next allowance check."
When informed that Henson was not going to Jamaica, but to the Yankees spring training camp in Lakeland, Florida, Ostrowski, clearly disoriented, replied "No thanks, man, I already own a vacuum cleaner."
After removing a handful of half-crushed Funions from a hidden fold in his couch, Ostrowski continued his meditation on Henson's various motivations for leaving university life. "Just because you're a dropout doesn't mean you're stupid or something-plenty of geniuses dropped out of college, like Einstein, and Isaac Newton, and Scrooge McDuck-I mean, how important can it be, as long as you've got your lucky dime, right?
"I figure Drew was on this crazy acid trip and he was like, 'Whoa, I'm like hungrier than this classroom, and it's swallowing everyone except I'm flying on a strawberry blimp, killing Nazi pirate cheerleaders with my power of free thought,' and then he woke up on the roof of Alice Loyd without any pants, but six layers of shirts one on top of the other, and then he was like, 'Man, screw this-I'm going to Jamaica."
Ostrowski took a moment to smoke a bowl roughly the size of the Liberty Bell, then continued, "Yeah, that's how I figure it happened."