Monkeys Rule, Women Suck!

In a recently completed study, University scientists discovered that, while women are very, very sucky, monkeys rule hardcore.

"Women totally suck," said portly tenth-year engineer Ricardo Williams, one of the researchers. "And I do not say this out of some otherworldly desire to court and win the heart of hunky John Stamos, for I am far too busy constructing ridiculous things and reading hardcore Japanese porn comics for that sort of endeavor."

Critics of the study have claimed that it offers no useful knowledge. "We've known for a long time that women would rip your heart out of your body and eat it than, say, study with you at the library for just an hour, I mean, really, is that so much to ask?" asked similarly portly seventh-year engineer Kevin Carter while wearing a pair of black plastic glasses taped together in the center. "And monkeys, of course, are funny, especially when they throw feces at each other and spread Ebola, but did we really need someone to tell us this? That's like putting Mario Lemieux on the '87 Oilers."

Meanwhile, a roundtable discussion of the study attended by President Bollinger and his mom, evil E3W editors, some crazy people from BAMN, and a sixth grader who won the right to attend by defeating the basketball team by a score of 121-59 got way out of hand. While BAMN crazily protested about not having enough non-primates in University studies, President Bollinger cried about not getting into Harvard, the sixth grader picked his nose and the E3W editors pondered the deep and abiding significance of this confirmation of their beliefs.