Writer's Block Solved By Anger Towards Women, Hilarious Monkeys
Comic Book Guy From Simpsons Makes Cameo, Declares Article "Worst Ever"
Cantley had been stuck for hours attempting to come up with a clever, original premise when inspiration struck. Instead of coming up with something worthwhile, he would recycle old jokes in a desperate attempt to appear productive to the "slave driving, no good boogers" that edit the paper. Fifteen minutes and no revisions later, a masterpiece emerged.
According to Cantley, the article that resulted, "Monkeys Rule, Women Suck," is some of his finest work. "By creating a fictitious University study, I successfully offered a pretext for my article," he said. "I wonder why no one had thought of that previously. I also talked about how BAMN is crazy and the basketball team sucks. Where do I get this stuff? I don't know! Wow!"
After dwelling on the suckiness of women-a position Cantley swears has no roots in his own lovelife, which he described as "rich" and "full"-for some 400 words, Cantley then explored the varied wonders of "hilarious, hilarious monkeys."
"Monkeys are so cute and funny," said Cantley. "Monkeys make everything better, and making fun of them isn't nearly as mean as making fun of retards or dead people like some other staffers do. For instance, the sentence 'Monkeys like to bite people and give them diseases' is much less mean than 'Retards like to bite people and give them diseases.' Perhaps less funny, but, really, all we're after here is to make people feel good."
Cantley's article is slated for page three of the E3W's latest issue, much to the chagrin of editor Brian Cook.
"For Christ's sake," said Cook. "The thing contains inappropriate references to hockey, 'Full House,' and President Bollinger's mom, nerdy engineer stereotypes, bitterness towards women, ridiculous quotes no one would ever say, and self-referential humor. We've already run this sort of thing exactly 32,764 times."
Several other staffers have criticized the article, but Cantley attributes this to jealousy. "That bastard Clarke is just mad that his 'Retards Attack North Campus' article was passed over for mine," he said. "And don't get me started on Maun's 'Sororities are Full of Stupid Whores But Please Don't Sue Us Because We Said That.' I swear, the rest of these people don't have an original bone in their body."
The 750 word opus was whittled down to about 250 by Cook, who then held his nose and passed it to Mike Chu, the layout editor. Chu did not find the story humorous, but managed to find a wonderful picture of a robot doing something really funny to accompany it.