Letters to the Editor
Letters are real. Please pick up your bumper sticker at the UAC office, 4th floor, Michigan Union. Ask Mary. We'd like to thank everyone who wrote us this year, good and bad. Oddly enough, E3W hasn't gotten a lot of hatemail. Don't tell me all you really touchy political types are developing a sense of humor!Subject: praise
Date: Wed, 14 Mar 2001 18:52:17 -0500
From: Richard Chen
Hello from Carnegie Mellon University. Here, though I'm not a part of its publication staff, the Activities Board produces "readme" ( http://www.andrew.cmu.edu/~jmz/ though the online version hasn't seen an update in months) which isn't quite as funny as you guys so I did want to give you thumbs up for the hilarious work there. Hehe, there's a small chance I might transfer to CS @ UM although that's a whole another story/email. Until then, I'll read it online and enjoy it heartily. Thanks again! [link courtesy of webmaster]
Thanks for reading us. If you are 6'2"+ and can throw a football 60 yards, please feel free to transfer here. Of course, you go to Carnegie Mellon and are a computer science person, so we're thinking that's unlikely.
DAMN YOU GEORGE STEINBRENNER! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.
Ahem.
-Ed.
Subject: Someone set us up the bomb.
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2001 21:03:59 -0500 (EST)
From: Grant Martin
All your base are belong to us.
http://bleuiko.hypermart.net/ [link courtesy of webmaster]
For those of you who didn't get the "subtle joke" read the tagline to the last issue. For an "explanation" please go to the above link. Granted the link doesn't explain much, but it should make things less random.
Maybe one of our crazy fans will make one with lots of E3W front pages that read "all your base are belong to us" now.
-Ed.
Subject: jealous in Kansas
Date: Wed, 21 Mar 2001 23:54:11 -0600
From: Baggy Slims
God, you guys are funny. I'm a student at Kansas State University right now and have longed for a satire magazine at our school. You'd think that with 22,000 students, there'd be a few interested in writing some damn funny stuff and getting it published, but no. We're all too concerned about getting drunk, bitching about class, drinking some more, going cow-tipping, drinking some more, and to top it off drinking some more. Hell, the high point of our year so far was getting a snow day for the first time in 20 years. There was more creativity and humor at the last two funerals I attended than there is at KSU.
So count your blessings that you guys are able to do this, and enjoy it. And if you ever need a Kansas correspondent, drop me a line. ;)
Keep up the good work.
-bobby allison-gallimore
Thanks for the kind words. Why is it that we get just as many good letters from people outside of our fair campus than from within our fair campus?
Hmmmm? KSU is "concerned about getting drunk, bitching about class, drinking? cow-tipping?" what is it with universities that end in SU?
-Ed.
Subject: EW3
Date: Mon, 26 Mar 2001 15:55:24 -0500
From: sgotfred@umich.edu
Digglitts of fibble
Fibble indeed, my friend. Fibble...indeed.
-Ed.
Subject: the incompetant E3W
Date: Sat, 24 Mar 2001 16:22:56 -0500 (EST)
From: Samuel Ryan Kirk
Bastards All-
In your last paper you printed a letter supposedly from me. Horse shit! I don't know no Georgia Katis and I don't know you people. So you got this letter from a umich address that clearly stated the sender and the writer were not the same. Instead of verifying the address or for that matter thinking at all, you just printed that refuse along with my email address. Unacceptable. Now all your readers (both of 'em) think that I wrote all that inconsequential babble. Allow me to clarify. There is absolutely NO association between Georgia Katis and me, that is beside the one you fabricated by printing that steaming cowpie. You just lost one more subscriber you never had. You will print this and clear my name.
Thanks for nothing, you foul-minded simians,
Sam Kirk
We received both this and another letter from "Georgia Katis" from this dude's address. Now seems like a perfect opportunity to address people out there about "how often you should write us"-if you write us once and we put it in and then you write us again immediately, we get scared. We worry that you may be stalking us or garroting our cats. We understand that it's sort of cool to see your letter here. But we don't want to encourage the cat-garroting thing, so we generally don't publish a second letter.
Of course, in this guy's case, we've received three letters, one from him, and two from a fictional homeless woman named Georgia, which probably means that he's already garroted his OWN cats and is lookin' for more. So: keep your cats away from Samuel Ryan Kirk at all costs.
-Ed
And Now... Here is the second extended "Georgia Katis" rambling
Subject: Your fat bastard's back!
Date: Tue, 27 Mar 2001 01:10:52 -0500 (EST)
From: Samuel Ryan Kirk
Dear Misters Cook, Parulekar, and Malewitz---
Bones to pick quickly (whereas normally I linger over every last pop of discarded gristle; you really should see what feasts they leave on the bone and then chuck back behind the Chop House!): first, you butchers sniped the address from my last letter; second, though you call me a "Bastard," the fact is that my parents were married long before yours truly was conceived, as the story used to go around, on the Feast of Valentine, under a Great Depression glow of streetlights through a second-floor apartment bedroom window, with a book about the mechanics of the reproductive act still, after six years of little-one-hungry tangling, spread delicately open on the bed; and third, three-weekly after three-weekly, page nine of your otherwise sexy-smart periodical demonstrates all the linguistic fervor and relevant content of Teen People meets the Daily and shells out 27 bucks for a semester's free subscription and a timeshare. There I am, issue after issue, jilling off under the bridge by the depot, heaving great gustos of breath as I gorge on the E3W, pawing like life and death, but along comes some dirtdumb amateur who must have elicited your pity something fierce to get a HALF PAGE to prate on about piss and vino or why nerds should give up, as if this already complacent burg needs another someone losing faith in the value of living, regardless of what next crippling obstacle shows up. Listen: I know a handicap or two about survival. Your page nines choke a girl's gasm, boys.
On the other palm, dukos to another front page pair of knock-out proses to send potential advertisers running with their checkbooks tucked into their haunches, as it should be. Here's hoping the coming thaw doth not tarry so we can all shed five or six flannels and let all the fetid flavors of hiberbating pheromones out to play in the wind, as will
Your Dismalobedient Servant & Such---
Georgia Katis