The Every Three Weekly Guide to God's Marketing Campaign

In the ever-changing world of religion, advertising is now more important than ever. In recent years, God has made several efforts to get more people spiritually aware, including billboards, the PAX network, and Church's Fried Chicken. There's plenty more on the way, including:

Ye Olde School Rap. God, using the "rap name" Snoop Doggy Dogma, is currently in the studio, kickin' out mad flava on his first hip-hop album. With some help from producer Dr. Dre, Satan is my Biatch will be out later this year. The first single, "Thankz For Da 40z," includes guest appearances by deceased rappers Biggie Smalls and Tupac Shakur, who-due to an administrative error-both ended up in Heaven.

Sitcom on the WB. While "Touched by an Angel" has been hugely successful, God is now pursuing the coveted 18-59 demographic. With that in mind, God has landed his first sitcom, "Trinity's Company." God stars as Jack, an accident-prone chef who shares an apartment with two sexy ladies. The uptight landlord disapproves of a guy living with two girls, so God convinces the landlord that he's really gay. Wackiness ensues.

Getting the TRL Crowd. According to a popular song by a now unpopular group, "Everybody Wants to Rule the World." At least that's what MTV is hoping, as they've teamed with God to create the first "Wanabe Supreme Being?" Contest. To enter, go to MTV studios in Times Square next weekend. Six finalists will be chosen, who will then have to answer questions such as "Which five apostles would make the cutest boy band?" After on-line voting is complete, Jessie Camp will be declared the winner. Camp is expected to alter the Ten Commandments, changing "Thou Shalt Not Kill" to "Thou Shalt ROCK OUT," and "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" to "Thou Shalt Do Lots Of Fucking Heroin."

Breakfast time. Looking for a breakfast that's heavenly delicious? Then God's got a cereal for you, from the makers of Sugar Smacks. Coming out later this summer, it's Kellogg's God Smacks, not to be confused with the voodoo-worshipping alt-rock group of the same name. Lawsuit pending.

Other Billboards. Hoping to lure both teenage girls and middle-age men, God has signed pop superstar Britney Spears to a two-year endorsement deal, in which the young diva will get a cross tattooed on her cleavage. Rumor has it God is working on a similar deal with the Olson Twins; E3W will keep you posted if anything new develops. And we will have pictures... oh, the pictures we shall have.