Daily "99% Certain" Battier Coming to UM

Fresh off predicting the departure of beloved University of Michigan president Lee Bollinger to Harvard and the naming of Rick Pitino as head coach of the basketball team the very day he signed with Louisville, the Michigan Daily has uncovered more breaking news. Reporters citing sources close to local Michigan basketball star Shane Battier claim that he'll "definitely join the basketball team next fall."

"It's a done deal, all he needs to do is sign the contract... I mean letter of intent," said Michigan Daily Sports Editor Steven Yomer. "I've checked and double-checked my sources-all of whom are very, very reliable-and they say he has made his decision and can't wait to don the maize and blue to help turn this program around."

Critics of the Daily have asserted that the "sources" for this huge story are spurious at best, as they include comedian George Burns, dead for several years, and a future predicting monkey who just wants to eat bananas. The Daily has countered these claims by pointing at the price of the paper, which is free, and pointing out that you get what you pay for.

Nevertheless, recruiting analysts have described the Battier commitment as a "huge get." Many have speculated that it may even help sway highly prized recruit and Flint native Mateen Cleaves, currently a Detroit Piston, to commit to the Wolverines.

Battier, a 1997 Detroit Country Day graduate, could not be reached for comment. He is expected make his official announcement after he graduates from Duke University this spring.