Swift Boat Veterans For Truth Praise Bush's War Record

New Approach "Much More Positive; Delusional"

WASHINGTON, DC-Reeling from bipartisan criticism of their smear tactics against John Kerry's Vietnam war record, the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have decided to adopt a more positive approach--namely, focusing on aspects of President Bush's military history. In a new ad campaign airing in several important swing states, including Michigan, Pennsylvania and Florida, the group's members give detailed accounts of the President's heroism under fire.

Buddy Main, Captain of PCF 218 recalled, "We were patrolling the Cua Viet River when we came under heavy fire from the portside bank. We all hit the deck, certain they had the drop on us and our time was up. All of us, that is, except Bush. He just stood there with the bullets whizzing past him, spit out his tooth pick and effortlessly leapt fifty yards across enemy lines as . Right there, in front of everyone, he jammed his hand into the chest of a Viet Cong general and pulled out his heart for all to see. The remaining enemy soldiers soiled themselves and ran into the jungle. He saved us all." Main continued with stories of Bush's impressive feats in battle. " All the while, Senator Kerry was playing ping-pong in a Saigon whorehouse at the time," said Main before he glanced off-camera. "What? We're not doing that anymore? Aw jeezus, that's gonna take some getting used to."

Charles "Chaz" Muenster, the ship's mechanic, gave yet another harrowing account. "There we were, January of 1862, just outside the Norfolk Navy Yards. The Merrimack and the Monitor were firing cannon shells all around us, trying to send us to a watery grave. I didn't see the shot that hit the deck, but you better believe I felt the shrapnel. George looked deep into my eyes. 'It's gonna be OK,' he said as he wrapped my wounds with the best damn field dressing I've ever seen anyone make out of their own hair. Then he took the controls, rammed that ironclad that done got me, and sank it with a crane kick just like in that Karate Kid movie. After that, he gave the other ship this hard-ass, James Dean stare and it was so piss-scared that it sank itself."

Critics of the Swift Boat Veterans claim this campaign is no better than the first; they argue that just as many facts are distorted, and may give viewers a false impression of what actually happened. When asked about their fact checking methods, Captain Main simply pointed to a Blue Tick hound sleeping under a willow tree in the backyard. "That's Rufus," he explained, "Rufus is a good dog, aren't you boy?"

The Swift Boat Veterans are tight-lipped about plans for future campaign ads, but Main was willing to drop a hint. "Oh man do we have some dirt on our next political opponent whose identity will be determined at a later date. His/her behavior during the raid of a marina during the Moroccan War of 2016 has to be heard to be believed. He/She is nothing short of despicable. Vote Reanimated Strom Thurmond 2008"

*Valid only in the unlikely event that black people are allowed to vote in Florida.