Bush Mentions Terrorism 104,305 Times at Republican National Convention
"There is not an iota of truth to those allegations," said Vice President Dick Cheney. "Of course, given the administration's outstanding record on terrorism, it would be ridiculous--nay, ridonkulous--to elect someone who doesn't have a similar record. To elect someone who hasn't even narrowly avoided a terrorist attack on his plane by swerving out of the way at the last moment. To elect someone who did not give any speeches to soothe the nation after the horrific events of 9/11 or even ordered an increase in the terror alert level. Why, if John Kerry were President, the terror alert level would still be at green. We just can't have that kind of apathy in office."
President Bush, who delivered the keynote address at the RNC, reportedly uttered the word "terrorism" 104,305 times during the four day convention. He denied that he was highlighting terrorism in an effort to avoid discussing other topics.
"Sure, I'll discuss other topics," said Bush. "Health care? Terrorists are against health care. I'm for it. Nothing keeps people healthy like an obscene military budget. Tax cuts? I won't give them to terrorists, unless they're extremely rich. Women's rights? I think all women are terror-ific. Gay marriage? It's terror-ing apart our nation's moral fabric. As usual, controversial documentary filmmaker Michael Moore had a calm, well-informed response to these quotes.
"George W. Bush is a douche bag!" yelled Moore during a recent speech to a crowd of admirers. The crowd cheered enthusiastically in response. "Dick Cheney? I'm sick of him and his typical Haliburton bullshit " said Moore.
The crowd cheered yet again. "Reelect James K. Polk and end prohibition!" Moore shouted before awaiting his inevitable applause.
Bush also responded to allegations that the location of the RNC was chosen to remind voters of the tragic events of 9/11.
"I'm glad you brought that up," said Bush. "Is it September in New York City? Yes. Is this the latest a National Political Convention has ever been held? Yes. Do I talk about terrorism and 9/11 incessantly, using the word 'terrorism' as frequently as terr-possible, even more than common arterr-icles like 'the'? Yes, I do. But dammit, if I didn't, then the terrorists have already won! I ask you, America: where were you when those towers fell? I haven't forgotten, and neither should you. That's why, every day, I take seven minutes to stare blankly off into space while holding a children's book, just to remind myself of that fateful day."