Every Hummer Owner Spontaneously Combusts

In what atheists are calling "proof of God's existence," every owner of a Hummer spontaneously combusted yesterday.

This tragedy is the latest in a string of several hundred related incidents in which Pontiac Aztek owners were mysteriously decapitated and owners of Honda Elements were fatally poisoned by an excess of fecal matter that eventually backed up into their bloodstreams.

Decreed God, "They got what was coming to them."

Although God had originally planned to merely set aside the ninth circle of Hell for the owners of these abhorrent vehicles, He recently came to the conclusion that a more Old Testament-like approach was necessary. Not to mention the ninth circle is already at capacity, what with all the condom users and seed-spillers.

"What happened to the days when I used to smite people at the drop of a yarmulke?" asked God rhetorically. "I missed the old me. And the owners of Hummers were guilty of all kinds of sins: greed, gluttony, pride, pig fucking, and poor taste. What can I say? I was in the mood . . . the Tal-mood! Ahem. I apologize."