An E3W Guide to Reinventing Yourself

Start Fresh: Kill everyone who came to Umich from your high school. This way they can't tell people about your former self. Also, adding "homicidal maniac" to your resumé will likely be a great first step in becoming the new you. That is, unless you were a homicidal maniac in high school, in which case you should think of a new and deeply disturbing way to kill people, like with a syrup bottle and a well-placed prayer rug.

Try New Things: Consider reinventing yourself as someone cool, as un-cool doesn't seem to have worked for you in high school. Remember, cool people join the greek system. So, if you're a guy brush up on your Dave Chappelle quotes and if you're a girl get date raped by some dude while he practices his Dave Chappelle quotes.

Push the envelope: If you're a straight black man, consider reinventing yourself as a gay white woman. It won't be easy, but your new breasts will make it all worth it.

Change Your Surroundings: Since using pictures of yourself and your friends from high school would reveal your un-cool former self, decorate your new room with a series of nearly pornographic bikini posters. This way you will appear to be both un-cool and an overcompensating closeted homosexual.

Dress for Success: The bands you liked in high school are still cool here. Don't part ways with that Creed shirt too early; it might score you some choice pussy in the near future. Ditto for the Starland Vocal Band cape and unitard ensemble.

Dump Your High School Sweetheart: Fuck that fat slag. You don't need her "My-Mother-Just-Died" bullshit.

Don't Reinvent Yourself as Kimmy Gibbler: Do not reinvent yourself as Kimmy Gibbler. That's been taken. By me.